Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

Anyway, Ryan's own halting message starts, "Um, hi." Trista breaks into a sunny smile. Oh, really? Here are some more surprises: "In my life, I've laughed often and much. I've won the respect of intelligent people." He has. One of my friends told me today that when she heard that line, the only thing she could think of was, "How did he gain the respect of intelligent people? By saving them from fires?" Heh. Go, her. He adds that he "won't be quite satisfied until [he has] somebody to share [his] life with." He wants that person to be her. Ring of diamond, heart of gold.

Charlie shows up first, which I find an interesting development considering he's about to win the big rose, right? Right? Trista tells us it's "scaring" her that "the culmination of her dreams" has arrived. Charlie reiterates that he's "very confident," adding that he thinks they're "meant to be together." Chris escorts Charlie in as he tells us, "What I want out of this is to fall in love with Trista and raise a family." Too bad he hadn't fallen in love with her already. That's really the only way to her heart, as we're in the process of finding out. Right. So. Chris leads Charlie the lamb through the slaughterhouse door, leaving Charlie and Trista on the back porch among many, many rose petals. He walks up to her and she takes his hands in hers. And off we go: "The first time that I saw you, I got chills on top of my goose bumps." Charlie smiles broadly. "Unfortunately..." Un-WHAT-tunately? Charlie's smile falters. "My heart has led me another way." Charlie's smile recedes. "And I'm really sorry." Charlie's smiles fades. Cocky bastard. Oh, she's finished? Well, allow him to retort: "I wish you nothing but the past." Ha! Take that, you...oh. Why is everyone behaving so well? When did this show go and get so damn classy on us? They walk back through the house to plaintive harp music and past the rose that will never be his. They stand by the limo as Trista cries and Charlie comforts her (which, whatever), but he tells her that he won't question any of his decisions. He gives her a hug and tells her he'll miss her. She stands alone on the balustrade (four years it's taken me, and I've finally worked that word into a recap even as my heart is breaking) as Charlie gets back in his limo. Trista tells us that she didn't realize "how hard it would be," but adds, "I don't think he was in love. And in comparison to Ryan, and the feelings I'm having for Ryan, there's no comparison." Well, she almost admitted why she didn't choose him, had she only finished that last sentence as it began. Ryan loves her more and far more frankly, and so she has chosen him. It's true, isn't it? Let's ask Charlie, who is on the outbound express having no understanding of why he and Trista aren't going to have lots and lots and lots of babies: "I don't know, man. I don't know. It's really weird sitting here right now, knowing who I am and what I gave to her. And what I shared and what I opened up, and what I thought I was getting in return from it. Talk about getting thrown in front of a bus going up there. It was like, 'What?'" Pause. "This is ridiculous, what just happened." Ain't it, though? Plenty more unrecappable "harumphs" follow. Cry. CRY! I want man tears, and plenty of 'em. Otherwise, what's the point?

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