Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

But those man tears weren't supposed to come from me! I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. Say it. SAY IT! Okay. Go. Ryan's limo pulls up now, and Chris escorts him to the back patio to find Trista waiting. Ryan reminds us again that he's in love with Trista, adding that he's "extremely vulnerable." Oh, you think? Ryan and Trista greet each other with a hug, and she gets speechy all over again. This time it's good news. I think: "This day is a day I've dreamt about my entire life." She speaks these words like a four-year-old to remind us in acting form what it is to have experienced her whole life. God, she's Method. "I see a future of dreams coming true. I see smiles and laughter. I see babies and grandbabies. I see comfort and safety. I see a white dress. And I see it with you." And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. "My walls have finally crumbled and I can finally tell you without reservation that I'm in love with you." Sob! Wait, it's all kind of sweet. He kisses her, and then takes the ring from his pocket, with a speech already prepared! "I started down this road hoping for love. And I think I was only able to make to the end if I found it. And you were my strength. You were my inspiration. You were the breath on my voice." Then he says something else, too. He speaks very quietly, y'all. "Trista." Yes? "I love you with every ounce of who I am, and I offer you my hand and my heart." And? AND? "And my love forever, if you'll have it." And so on bended knee he goes, taking the ring from his pocket and asking, "Trista Nicole Rehn...will you marry me?" NOT! GOING! TO! CRY! He puts the ring on and they kiss again. Buddy, you have no idea how close this came.

In what I can only assume is a formality, Trista takes the final rose from the All of Me pan and asks, "Ryan, will you accept this rose?" He will. He will, indeed. He voices over, "For Trista to tell me that she's in love with me...those are the words that I've been waiting to hear since I knew that I was falling in love with her." Trista adds, "He has absolutely everything that I've been looking for." He agrees that he's finally found what he's been looking for, telling us over a montage of their six glorious weeks together, "Without a doubt, this is far and away the biggest day of my life." Only a calligraphy "The End" scrolling across the screen right now could adequately highlight the fairy-tale nature of this impossible romance! Besides, my cynicism wouldn't fit in my carry-on luggage and it looks like I'll have to email this recap from the plane.

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Bachelorette

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