Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

Wow. The man is so smooth (but not like that), he actually sets off a music cue. An acoustic guitar music cue! The family asks him if he's more afraid of being selected or not selected at this point, and Charlie makes it amply clear that he doesn't fear commitment. "I would dedicate myself to her. Be faithful. And move together toward growing this relationship." Awwwww! Trista's mom breaks the awkward sincerity that's descended (that shit totally doesn't fly at my family's dinner table, either), asking, "So, do you know anybody my age?" Statistically? Trista in about five years. HRWEG disses any other man who would try and steal Trista's small, cold, blackened, one-Ice-Age-away-from-solid-coal heart, asking snidely, "So, who's this Ryan?" He's your, um, son-in-law, muthafuckah. Trista tells us that her family loved Charlie, and HRWEG calls him "likable" twice. NotMom tells us how happy she would be if Trista and Charlie got engaged, and Charlie confirms that sentiment while sitting in an interview in a room that appears to contain a wall-hanging of, I think, bugs. What is that thing?

Outside the house now, Charlie and Trista kiss and celebrate how well he got on with her family. Tristan says something about her family standing "by her side" in the event of a proposal, and it only dawns on us an hour later that that interview has nothing to do with the person the editing is currently purporting to modify. In the limo now, Trista once again shares her vague concern of Charlie's issues with "intimacy," telling him, "The reality of the situation is that there's still somebody else in the picture." Charlie correctly observes, "It sounds like your heart is with me right now." She confirms that it is. I just don't think he knows how localized her concept of "right now" really is. She tells him that she's "had sex before," and doesn't think it would be right for him to impose sexual sanctions on her. He agrees in a soft-spoken and egalitarian fashion, and I totally thought this part was the show trying to throw us off and make us think that there was trouble in paradise. Trista tells Charlie to go come back to her room. He will. They kiss. "Finally we'll...a little snuggle in the nook," Trista tells us. Their hotel room door closes and the camera pans to a far less kitschy "Do not disturb" sign than the "W" chain could ever conceive. Ladies and gentlemen? The last time she will have sex with anyone else. Ever. Again.

Go to hell, two-hour episode. We actually cut to a recap of the last segment, in which a montage of St. Louis (I mean, whatever...I'm just using my context clues here. It's one general store away from being the nondescript suburban town of the opening five minutes of every episode of Behind the Music ever) cuts to Charlie really "fitting in" at dinner. "But," Trista resolves in an ouch-on-you-Ryan segue, "today I am going to be meeting up with Ryan, and I'm gonna just try to focus on Ryan and let this day be about him and me." She hops out of the limo the rainy next day (even the weather thinks she's a better match with Charlie) and gives a waiting Ryan a big welcome hug. She takes his hand and brings him into the car, where they haltingly catch up on how they missed each other. They always, always seem like they're one sentence away from running out of things to say forever. And, I mean, they both know such a painfully finite number of words.

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Bachelorette

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