Bachelorette
Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers

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Worshipping False American Idols

Why are Ryan and Trista on a riverboat cruise? They hug on an empty boat called The Tom Sawyer, which goes under the Arch and all about town. Are they meeting her family on the boat? Is the boat her dad and this is some bizarre Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo man-as-machine switcheroo? Unlikely, I realize, but...hi, what's going on right now? Nighttime falls and it is never explained. They remain on the deserted cruise vessel, Rhymin' once more declaring his mad, unadulterated love for Trista. She remains...well, dead inside. Who's hungry?

Thursday, 7:43 PM. Unevenly microwaved Progresso lentil soup. With Cheez-Its for crackers. The meal of kings!

And, over at the ol' Rehn place, HRWEG will be eating his foot for the evening meal and Ryan will dine on crow, thank you very much. Trista cops to being nervous this time, worrying that her family won't give Ryan a "fair shot" following Charlie's PR-palooza of the previous evening. This time the conversation flows from a more natural place (that is, "not from a bowl"), as they sit around pre-meal and engage in a little light Q&A. "So," HRWEG asks, "How'd you develop an interest that made you want to be a firefighter?" He tells us...zzzzzzz. They're catatonic. I'm sorry, but they are. Even Trista's a bit...well, dainty, sitting politely with her hands folded in her lap and being really small. Mom comments in an interview that she felt they had to "tone it down" to suit Ryan's introverted demeanor. Ryan recounts his dates with Trista, tells the assemblage that Sea World is "amazing," and explains in a sentence how to paint using acrylic...zzzzzzz. Sorry. Is there a caffeinated Cheez-It available on the market? Because I feel it would be beneficial to me now for many, many reasons. HRWEG tiptoes back to the makeshift interview room (because heaven forbid he should walk louder than Ryan talks or accidentally wake up any interesting conversation) and gripes, "Out of the guys Trista's dated, Ryan's definitely different." They toast silently at dinner, Mom (tonight sitting next to NotMom because pretending to be best friends is what passive-aggressiveness is, people). Mom asks them both, "How does she complete you? And how does he complete you?" Yikes. Someone rented Jerry Maguire on video and DVD and went home happy. Trista responds that the human head weighs eight pounds. Ryan gives the "opposites attract" speech veeeeeery quietly, and Mom tells us that he's a "special spirit." Ryan tells Trista's family that he doesn't write many poems, really, and that "she's the inspiration behind my poems. She's the poetry to me." Which doesn't entirely answer how he showed up in Encino with a poem he wrote before he met her, but we'll excuse him because he's going to marry her. And that makes Mom cry. Woohoo! Show me the rose!

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Bachelorette

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