Bachelorette
Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight

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Encino Evil

Upstairs, Chris bids Trista to "have a seat," telling her she doesn't seem like her normal, "jovial" self. He again asserts his all-men-are- bad-if-those- men-are-not- named-me platform, reminding her that "Brook called you out on the carpet." Trista tells us that she wants to be with someone forever, and laments without a trace of irony that it would be hard to be allergic to horses "when I'm thinking of dating a cowboy." It's true. That makes sense, and is not shallow. Keeping Russ in the dating mix because it would be easy to be allergic to poverty when she's thinking of dating a guy who likes bribery? Shallow. This? This right here is just good business. Chris asks if she still believes that the man of her dreams is in the house, and she begins to tear up all over again and nods. She repeats that all of the guys are amazing, and says she can picture being with them "in a restaurant or laying on the couch on a Sunday watching football." Watching football on a Sunday? Seriously, ABC...was Trista engineered in a lab based on market research data about what straight guys like to hear women say? If any company would be capable of making an organically believable Trista Bot, it would definitely be the dreammakers over at Disney. ["They prefer to be called 'imagineers.'" -- Wing Chun] Chris rips Trista back to the present, leaving her to watch some "video messages" and telling her she needs to narrow the pool down to eight people tonight:

Brook offers to give up his horses, move to the city, and stay away from horse manure. Bob thanks her for the boutonniere he has not yet received. Jack is toast. Ditto Mike, and several of the Brians. Russ holds the rose Trista pinned on him last time, a move so overtly stalkerish and creepy he practically promises her that if she picks him, he'll let her put the lotion in the basket all by herself. Jamie sends his message via satellite linkup from a country with an -istan suffix and no running water. Must be game night! Rob sincerely enjoyed talking to Trista "and hearing the answers to some of the really important questions that I had for you." Greg again promises to play her a song he wrote for her. That'd better be some song. Jeff holds up the tire he changed as a visual cue for her to be reminded of what page she's on in The Bachelorette's Guide To Obvious Elimination reading, "Figure 1-1: My comic-book physique scaring the living shit out of you." Charlie calls Trista "sweetheart" and tells her to "feel the vibration" in his Marky Mark hat. Jeff waves gaily and begs, "Pick me!" Not to be outdone by some other dude's memorable hat, there's Rhymin'! And he looks like Blossom! He recites a poem that ends with the line, "I saw you standing there" (because she was just seventeen, if you know what I mean), and Trista voices over that it's all about "finding her prince." She stands on an upstairs balcony and overlooks the pool by which all of the guys stand, knowing in her heart of hearts that no matter who stays and who goes, one thing is for certain: they're all totally, totally wasted right now.

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Bachelorette

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