Bachelorette
Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
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Encino Evil

The men situate themselves around the (sigh...) "Guy's House" living room as Chris fills them in on what happens next: "From now on, the only communication you'll have with Trista is on the days we've planned for you." As opposed to last week, in which their systematic emergence from five limos and the entirety of the first rose ceremony occurred in a purely organic state, like continental drift. Explain what's new. "Right now, you'll be dating Trista in groups of five." So, um, who's going? "Who's going?" Yes, and where? "Where are you going?" Yes. "Good questions." Uh, thanks. "You'll get those answers, as Trista sends you video invitations." We pan across the room for some reaction shots of the guys -- oh, look, Marky Mark brought Charlie a black knit cap from The Past -- as Chris reaches down below the camera's gaze to a place where, Elvis-on-Ed-Sullivan-style, the producers have mercifully decided not to show us for fear that the ladies at home just might not be able to handle it. Chris's hand comes up holding a VHS cassette, which he throws to Rob in a grand gesture of she'll-never-love-you-either-sissy-boy camaraderie. Rob's tell-tale Mood Hair lies flat and curl-free against his head ("My mood hair is mad because I haven't told it how sincerely glad I am to have it on my head today") as we cut to the various levels of hulking Evolution In Action following Rob into the next room. The guys watch as Rob puts the tape in, and we quick cut over what was doubtlessly forty ensuing minutes of fifteen guys offering multiple variations on, "Dude, is the television even ON right now?" and "Dude, the television has to BE ON THREE for it to work" and, in one quietly though emphatically stated case, "Oh look, it's Golden Girls!" (Josh again) while Rob preens in the reflected surface of the screen and thinks, "I am so sincere about how much I love my beauty."

Finally, Trista "Feminism Is For Lesbians And The Ugly" Rehn makes her first appearance this week, popping up on the screen like some hussied-up Max Headroom For The New Millennium and talking to the guys in a relaxed tone, safely ensconced behind the date-rape-buffering fourth wall. Trista informs them and us that the first group date will let her find out "who's a high roller and who's just bluffing," as Brian S., Russell, Josh, Brook, and Rob will be accompanying Trista to Vegas. I reflexively start a T-minus countdown until the first Swingers reference causes the U.S.S. Cheese to liftoff for its long journey to The Planet Of Insanely Outdated Cultural References. I give it four minutes.

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Bachelorette

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