Bachelorette
Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 792 USERS: C+
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Crocodile Tears

God, more awkward family visiting. There is some ouzo involved. Then some terrorists take over Newnan city hall and DeAnna is taken hostage for some reason atop the clock tower, and Jesse and Jason must team up to save her, and there are many explosions, and people get shot, and it was not what I was expecting at all from this episode. I was expecting more awkward family talk and lame goodbyes and all that, right? But I've discovered that this show is so much better when you ignore what is actually happening on screen and just make up your own storyline. For example, instead of three hours' worth of DeAnna's cousin and sister talking about how much of a better choice Jason is, imagine an ATV chase through the Georgian backwoods. See? Isn't that better? People get impaled on strategically placed tree branches in my version.

Back to Grand Bahama island now, for some shots of a pensive DeAnna walking along the beach. She says she found out Jeremy wanted to talk to her. She wanted to just run away, but that's something an asshole like Brad would do, and not DeAnna, candidate for sainthood. Is it even worth recapping this? Jeremy says in a talking head that he didn't really have the chance to talk to DeAnna about his feelings for her. Except he had nothing but chances.

And so he stalks her, I mean "shows up at her place," and she hugs him, and he goes on and on about his feelings, and love, and being scared, and other words that no longer have any meaning for me. And DeAnna is quite obviously forcing herself to look like she's anything other than irritated. With her "voice breaking," as the closed-captioning puts it, she talks about how it's "not in her heart," and -- god, she's such a phoney. "I have more than enough respect for you that I'm not going to drag you on any longer. I will not lead you on. I will not drag this out until the last day and promise you something that I cannot keep. And right now I am not in love," she says. You'll never guess, but this "breaks her heart." Can I just ask, what doesn't break her heart? Jeremy thanks her -- for what? One final opportunity to leave all the rest of his dignity behind? I felt for the guy last week. Now I wish he would grow up a little bit -- and they hug and he leaves.

Bachelorette

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