Bachelorette
DeAnna Accepts A Proposal

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Crocodile Tears

I think at this point the show has entered into a weird dimension in which time has no meaning. It's a Star Trek episode. It's a Twilight Zone episode. It's a cautionary tale, a film that should be required viewing for scofflaws to scare them straight. I literally do not comprehend anything they say anymore. They are saying words that I used to know, but I do not recognize these people. I do not recognize them as people. They are images made up of little colored dots that are grouped together according to some sort of pattern, and -- it must be said -- an aesthetically pleasing pattern at that. But these images don't behave in ways that I think humans generally do. And I don't watch reality shows as a general rule, but I don't understand how one so supposedly intimate doesn't feature angry shots of emotional people yelling for the fucking cameras to be turned off for one second, at a minimum of once per show. It's so unreal. And I wonder how many people are taking this show as advice on how to conduct their romantic lives. And I realize it's a small subset of a small subset of people who actually bother with this show, but this show has the power to actually for-real ruin lives.

Anyway, it's time for the final rose ceremony. FINALLY. DeAnna stands waiting, as Chris Harrison greets the first limousine to arrive. It's Jason. Uh-oh. He's up first? Not a good sign. He tells us in a voiceover that nothing's felt this right before. He says today's the day he's going to be engaged.

He hugs DeAnna, who tells him he looks great, which he credits to his orange tie, which he credits to Ty, because she's a Georgia peach. He gets down on one knee. "No, I can't," she says. Nice of her to wait until after he got down on bended knee, huh?

Well. He stands up. "Just let me talk to you. You have no idea how much I care about you," she says. She uses the words "amazing" and "perfect" but says she's in love with someone else. Jason draws his mouth into a line. "I can't believe this," he says. "I thought you felt it too. What's wrong?" he says. She lies and says she meant everything she ever said to him. But her heart is somewhere else.

"You said that. I heard you say that," says Jason. He looks up to the sky. "I really did fall in love with you," he says. I believe him, actually. They hug, and she blinks back a tear. "I have to walk you out," she says, sniffling as they walk down the path. They hug again at the limousine, and don't say anything.

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