Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Did I Shave My Chest for This?

We're reminded that DeAnna is from the most somethingest season in Bachelor history, in this case "shocking." I guess the bachelor in that season said he couldn't tell her he loved her. And she cried in a limousine. And then, months later, she cried again, in a setting that involved couches, presumably during that "the bachelorettes tell all" show? So "dignity" is not something we need to worry about, is that right? That's a relief. "That was the worst day of my life," she tells us. Sounds like she's got a pretty good life, then.

But apparently that particular douchebag broke her heart, her family's heart, and America's heart. This is what Deanna says: that America's heart was broken when one reality-show famewhore didn't ask another reality-show famewhore to marry him. America went to its room, listened to "Pictures of You" over and over again for a week. I'm starting to think DeAnna has an inflated sense of herself. Fortunately, it seems that Ellen DeGeneres has a lot of sway over whom gets chosen as the next Bachelorette, and here we are.

"The tables have turned!" proclaims DeAnna, since lowering a woman into the pigdog position normally occupied by a man is what counts for equality in the reality-show world. DeAnna stares at the sea and strides along the sand in soft-focus, because she's either thinking about how this is going to turn out, or she's starring in a commercial for a new prescription herpes medication that will allow her to continue having sex with her partner. Bachelorettefinex: It's Time. Ask your doctor.

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the mansion with the news that thousands of men from around the world phoned and e-mailed the show when DeAnna's heart was broken, offering themselves up. I don't believe for a second that thousands of straight men could pick DeAnna out of a two-woman police lineup if a million dollars were on the line. I don't know why Chris insists on lying to us like this. I do imagine it was easy for this show to find twenty-five men willing to be on television for their own (mostly self-promotional) reasons.

The men are introduced fast and furious, and since almost half of them will be eliminated by the end of this episode, I'm not going to bother listing them all, but will identify them as we come to them on the show. I really can't stand to pause and rewind all these scenes of tie-tying and hair over-gelling and especially the chest-shaving. You know, it's rather telling that on The Bachelor, the women are introduced simply with footage of them dolled up and exiting the limousine -- all the same, just varying heights and colours of dresses, whereas on this show, each man is featured with footage of them in their personal lives getting ready.

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