Bachelorette

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Did I Shave My Chest for This?

Greg talks about himself in the third-person. Chandler from Georgia uses a duck call, and then blathers on about Virginia Beach, and Indiana Brian, sitting there watching this, apparently thinks "how the hell can I compete with a duck call?" and so shows off his abs and makes DeAnna touch them. Paul from Edmonton promises Canada he'll get a rose. Don't do us any favours, Paul! He tries to get her agree to give him a rose if he jumps in the pool fully clothed. She promises him pneumonia instead, and he ignores her protestations and jumps in. He was planning to do this all along, since now he gets to strip down to his "DeAnna"-labelled bikini briefs. "My name is on the back of this boy's booty!" says DeAnna.

Graham talks about how he manages bars but is planning to start a charity to help kids with illnesses. I'd like to know just how long he's been planning this charity. At least for the last five minutes, I imagine. But the final first-impression rose goes to Richard the science teacher, because DeAnna says he's very sweet and genuine. He really does come off that way, as he says he wasn't expecting it, and that he has low self-esteem. Well, no better way to boost your self-esteem than by going on a reality show, I always says.

Chris comes in to say it's time to get ready for the first rose ceremony, and Deanna tells all the men "Who will get a rose, and who will lose their chance at love, forever?" asks Chris. "Forever"? Surely elimination from this show doesn't entail marriage ineligibility in perpetuity? Chris brings her into a room with pictures of all the bachelors, and they blather about how weird it is to be in the same room Brad was in, making his decisions. And they chat about some of the bachelors, and we're forced to watch clips that WE'VE JUST SEEN because there isn't actually enough here for the two hours. Either that or the producers think the viewers are all as stupid as they are. Then we hear an inane voiceover from DeAnna while we watch her look at all the pictures. She says "definitely" an awful lot. As in "making it into a drinking-game rule would likely kill you" lot.

DeAnna strolls out in front of the assembled men, and thanks them for putting their hearts on the line, calling herself the luckiest woman in the world again. That said, here's who stays: Ron, 36, a barbershop owner from Kansas City. Graham, 29, the professional basketball player who manages bars but plans to start a sick-child-helping charity (!). Eric, 31, the Greek senior analyst from Boston. ABC's website informs us his hometown is "Greece." Opa! Robert, 28, the chef from San Francisco. Sean and his mullet, 33, the martial arts master from Crestwood, Ky. Ryan, 28, the virginal pro football player from Lakeville, Minn. Chris, 29, in medical sales, from Dallas, who looks like a less-doofy version of Adam Carolla. Paul, 23, a sales manager from Edmonton. "Told ya I'd put my clothes on," he says. He'd better wear an Oilers shirt at some point. Fred, 30, the Chicago lawyer. Twilley, 33, the debt manager from Dallas. Jason, 31, an account executive from Kirkland, Wash. Chris strolls out for his "one rose left!" unnecessariness. "When you're ready," he says. Well, don't interrupt her, then. Brian, 31, the grey-haired football coach from Fort Worth. ("Texas," she clarifies, while Indiana Brian smiles tight-lipped. Indiana wants him, Deanna not so much.)

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Bachelorette

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