Bachelorette

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DeAnna Tells All...For About 20 Minutes

Previously on The Bachelorette: The hosts of hell rose up from fire-blackened fissures in the earth, and laid waste to all that was pure and holy and decent.

Tonight on The Bachelorette: Chris welcomes us to "DeAnna Tells All," a bullshit clip show that clearly aims to discover just how much garbage audiences will tolerate. "It's been an exciting journey for her and America," he says. How much crack does Chris Harrison smoke to deaden himself so he can say this with a straight face?

Sitting down with DeAnna herself -- yes, that DeAnna, America's Sweetheart -- Chris asks her what she's seen so far that surprised her. "Ryan is a virgin!" she says. Chris is actually visibly startled by finding out DeAnna didn't know that. We revisit Paul jumping into the pool, and Robert cooking for her on the first night.

Chris asks her if she's satisfied with how things are portrayed on the show. "Absolutely," she says, adding that it's all real. So no possibility there is interesting footage of a fascinating, non-shallow bachelorette being honest with the men trying to win her heart?

Chris brings up the amazingly scandalous moment in which Graham was pissed that he's not the only competitor. "You guys have a very interesting relationship going," says Chris. Is it possible that Chris has no idea what the word "interesting" means? They talk about Sean a little bit, and I fall asleep, and then I wake up to them talking about Jason revealing that he has a son, which somehow leads to a clip of DeAnna talking about her mother's death. Apparently Jason deserved Deanna's opening up because he opened up to her about his son.

Hey, did you guys know DeAnna had her own heart broken by Brad? Why hasn't she said anything about this? This leads into discussion of the guys who didn't work out, like Richard. DeAnna says he's a perfect guy who she would be lucky to have in her life, but then he brushed her hair back and badly wanted to kiss her, and she badly wanted to want to kiss him, but she didn't, and then she fake cried and gave him the boot.

And now we revisit the barbecue, which seemed like a good idea, says Chris: "And man, did it go horribly wrong." Which kind of sums up the entire show, don't you think? DeAnna's problem with the barbecue can be summed up in five words: It wasn't all about her. We're forced to watch her completely faked tirade again. Well, technically not "forced." We could turn this off. I can't even listen to her talk; she's such a phoney.

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Bachelorette

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