But no one's lamer than Jamie ("Lamie"?), who is just such a standard "guy" that he's how I would describe a "guy" to someone who's never been to Earth. "He's a total Jamie," I would tell my interstellar friend. And my friend would know exactly what I meant. Jamie tells Trista, "I was a sales manager, moving up in an internet telecom company." Stop it. Stop it, I say! How can you continue this level of white-hot flirtation when I don't have health insurance and you're thrilling me to death? But wait! There's more! "I quit. And I went to Sweden. And I played pro basketball." Cut to a confessional, where Jamie alerts us, "We have the exact same interests." Oh, of course. Why, don't you remember Trista's mom in that opening clip package saying all of those things about Trista's childhood passions for "the corporate structure of middle management ascendancy in telecommunications and new media," and her dad going on and on about her teenage dabblings in "Scandinavian basketball leagues"? Well then, watch it again.
Charlie doesn't think you can be "a wallflower in this situation," which is why he's shown up for the first time after ungluing his problematically gelled hair from the wall to which it has previously been flowered. He interrupts Trista sitting on the couch with some other losers, and he reaches out a hand, telling her he'd like a private moment outside. And it was in the promos, but there's a reaction shot from Wayne that is absolutely priceless. Utter, abject, oh-no-he-swallowed-my-toe shock. Charlie clarifies his decision to bust in, explaining, "There are twenty-four good-looking guys here tonight, and Trista has that to go on." His head is so in the game that you'd never guess his house in Hermosa Beach is on fire and that Charlie is putting it out and not telling anyone about it. And Charlie? He's a good listener. But we learn that he's the guy Trista is "most sexually attracted to." She also likes Rob's "vibe" and the fact that he's "so incredibly sincere about being here." Russ hands Trista the Tiffany box and tells anyone who will listen that he told his friend while they were watching the first Bachelor, "I'm going to date that girl someday. And now." "And now" what? Here's some math for you, friend: you + twenty-four other guys + roving television cameras = not a date. Bob, meanwhile, stands back and judges, "The guys that come in with a full-on plan, they might get past the first or second ensemble, but they're probably gonna end up looking like [beeeeeeeeeeeep]!" Heh. Swearing. And here was I, thinking fat people were supposed to be jolly. Trista opens the box and finds an ID bracelet of some kind, and she puts it on her wrist as Russ tells us that he thinks he's going to be around in this game for a long time. An ID bracelet? Who gave him that idea, Kim McAffee? The other guys wander around in various modes of awe and disgust, one asking "Did they really get pinned?" and another responding, "I was hoping they would!" Now they're living at last. Going steady for good! Going steady! Going steady! Going steady! Steady for good! Maybe the doorbell should play that instead.