Limo #3 pulls up, the driver opening the back door with a the-conversation-was-more-interesting-when-I-was-driving-hearses look of revulsion. The Bachelorette dares to answer the quandary, "How many Brians can you fit in a tiny clown car?" when out steps:
Peter, twenty-five, a Construction (Mafia) Business (Mob Ties) Owner (Knows Where Hoffa Is Buried) from Long (Gambino) Island. He explains that "you need your heart broken to realize what you want and what you look for in the next girl," which is a sentiment I totally agree with, excepting the fact that when I say "heart" I mean "heart" and when Peter says "heart" he means "kneecaps."
Brian H., a fan of traditional values, Dippity-Do, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas DIY genetic cloning kits.
Russ. He hands Trista a box from Tiffany. I hate you, Russ.
Chris steps in to take the box away, telling Trista, "I won't open it. I'll save it for later." If they so much as try to bury the obvious "the host is in love with the Bachelorette" subplot we so richly deserve, it would be an insult to us all.
Paul is next, and kisses Trista's hand and wishes her an "Aloha." She guesses that he's from Hawaii. Actually, I thought it was family custom for the people from Paul's indigenous region to greet each other with the tiding, "Mmm-bop." That place being The Middle Of Nowhere, which is, interestingly enough, the name of his band's smash debut album.
"My name is Brian." Yeah, get in line. The A-Zs (minus "B") queue up over there, and everyone else...well, you get the picture. Brian is the guy in "Breast Implant Sales," and you can all but smell the smarm and saline dripping off him as he interviews, "If I had to describe Trista as a car, it would be a Grand Touring Convertible. One with a lot of power. Very sleek. If I had to describe myself, it would be as the ultimate American sports car. With tons of torque. Just a real American bad-ass." Besides the woman-as-automobile metaphor being totally degrading, you can't fault this Brian completely for everything he's said. After all, he does maintain some of the basic qualities of your average American car, insofar as he is of a vaguely taupe shade and made entirely of leather.
Chris steps in to ask Trista what she thinks of the first fifteen Bachelors, and she responds that she "wants to get in the house right now." Could that be because she is excited to start her extensive screening process of "taking poems and payola on her way to a husband-tastic tomorrow"? Or could it mean that she's just eager to get away from one of: