Bachelorette
Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick

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Sssssssssh!

And back downstairs she goes, Chris practically throwing down a tray with seven roses. It must be dawn and he is so sleeeeeeepy. Meredith tells the guys, "I'm really confused right now." She knows it's going to be hard to pick, which is why she's chosen to hand out seven roses instead of six. Now one of the guys who was on the bubble won't have to be deep-sevened. Oh, I'm sorry. I must have gotten the expression wrong for some reason. Unfortunately, Meredith's fuzzy math has thrown the universe off its axis and all logic has been eighty-sevened. God DAMMIT!

Fine. Here we go, then:

Ian, will you accept this rose? Oh, just give him the damn ring now, rather than dragging it out in front of an audience who can't take it anymore. You might lose some money on your end, ABC, but you can make up for it airing endless bonus episodes of It's All Relative. When you think about it, it's really seven of one and a half-dozen of the other.

Sean, will you accept this rose? By the time this ends, I'm gonna be seven feet under.

Chad, will you accept this rose? Maybe they'll get married, elope, and get their kicks on Route Seventy-Seven.

Ryan M., will you accept this rose? Maybe the only way she can finally shut him up is if she takes him into her private suite and they keep their mouths busy with a little bit of seventy-nine, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Brad, will you accept this rose? With her by his side, he's sevenpence, none the richer.

Matt, will you accept this rose? For Christmas this year? Seven geese a-laying!

And, finally, Lanny, will you accept this rose? Although he's dressed up for the nines. At sevens and sevens with you.

Rick looks crestfallen and Ryan R. looks deranged. Rick leaves gracefully and orangely, but the real show is Ryan R., who apologizes to Meredith for not being more aggressive, and then hits the pavement, rips off his body mic, and complains that Meredith gave him "non-verbals that everything was fine." "Non-verbals"? Like, ignoring him, and stuff? He walks past a bunch of tech guys and angrily refuses one more confessional, but then we're back to him, cursing seven ways from Sunday and screaming "beat it" over and over, even when Rick comes over and tries to calm him down. He screams "I need a moment" seven (well, I'm probably exaggerating) times as Rick tells him not to embarrass himself. Too late. He rambles that he spent forty-five total minutes with Meredith and went on two group dates. Which is why he shouldn't be getting all tweaked out, because at the end of the day, he didn't actually KNOW HER. He rants on, "I went on two group dates with six other guys! Hey, let's have a good time with six other guys!" Doesn't he mean seven? Either way, at this point he starts to yell some syllabic dancing music, like, "doo doo doo doo doo" and does a dance called "The Let's Have A Good Time With Six Or Seven Other Guys Shuffle." It's awesome. It's the first thing all season I'm so glad to have on tape. Anyway, I'm gonna pack this tape now.

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Bachelorette

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