Bachelorette
Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick

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Sssssssssh!

Okay, look, Fleiss. I know I recap a lot of television that looks a lot like a lot of other television, but that's no reason to invent guys named "Chad" just for this date. I know there's no one named Chad on this show and I know there never has been, so just cut it out and cop to the fact that Ian is the winner and we can all knock off early tonight. Because, Chad? That dog won't hunt. As Lanny would say. Anyway, we're back at the Man-Sion (see, they're getting worse) for the seven-on-one date with Brad, Chad, Lanny, Rick, Sean, Ryan R., and Matthew. They're off on a "party bus," which Meredith says with such familiarity she makes it sound like it's been in the language for as long as other words like "Bible" and "sleep-deprived." They take said party bus to Anaheim, where they are to attend a Mighty Ducks game. Arriving at the venue, a light board outside wages syntax against space restrictions, reading, "Welcome The Bachelorette," and inside the boys and Meredith are welcomed with jerseys featuring their names. They're taken out on the ice and greeted by Guy Hebert -- whose name has at least fourteen more phonetic "ee" sounds that you would expect when first looking at it spelled out -- and Mike Leclerc, both of whom I'm sure are originally from Anaheim and bring the spirit of the home team to the ice with every thrilling victory. There's a challenge for who gets the alone time with Meredith as they square off against Gee HeeBee for who can get the most shots past him. And who of them could? Shouldn't the correct answer be "no one but another professional hockey player"? And since the only self-styled "professional hockey player" is no longer in the running, shouldn't there be a statistical null set for the amount of goals scored? How bad must that goalie be to let a horse breeder who has never been on skates before blow it by him like that? Yeesh. I guess that's what you get for naming a major sports franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie. Just ask the players on the Houston Another Stakeouts the last time they took home hockey gold.

And it's Lanny who takes the prize, and the happy couple is rewarded with a trip to the penalty box as a result, I guess, of their two-minute minor for failing to say the word "journey." Meredith tells us in a confessional that she finds Lanny attractive because he's "a man," which is indeed high praise in this decidedly unmasculine crop of charlatans, giraffe killers, and pink slipper salesmen. She looks deeply into Lanny's eyes and says, "I love staring into Lanny's eyes," which I can't believe isn't followed by him pulling back, clapping four times in rapid succession, and yelling, "deep in the heart of Texas!" Because that's what a good ol' boy does. And, also, Pee-wee Herman. I always get those two groups confused. I always try to drive through Texas just as quickly as I possibly can.

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Bachelorette

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