Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Sssssssssh!

Oh, thank you for making all of the people come back! It's nighttime and we're at the game now, the puck moving quickly around the ice and the BlurryMaker5000 futilely trying to obscure the advertising on the inside of the rink because they haven't paid up like the product-placement folks at Bachelorette-friendly sponsors such as Chess King and the Chamber of Commerce of the State of Texas. Clap clap clap clap! This game must have been a drubbing, because whenever they've gone to sporting events in past seasons, they always make sure to show the good fortune of the contestants who always magically manage to attend a sporting event on a winning night for the team. But then again, the production staff of this show has never hinged their bid for a winning night on a team the caliber of The Toronto Repo Man.

SpongeBobSquareHead is all, "Puck round! Rink oval! Me no find opposite interior angle of puck and rink, round and oval! Me squaaaaaaaare," deciding this game is not for him and asking Meredith if they can share some alone time. Up in a skybox where people called "sports fans" often enjoy THE GAME part of attending the game, the two retire to some couches across the way from the other guys, and SpongeBob dives in: "'A' squared plus 'B' squared equals...you and me squared?" Awwwwww! The Pythagorean Theorem...of love!

"I like controversy," a short-in-height- and-length confessional tells us. Back at a table with all six of the other guys, Rick starts to seal off his small orange coffin by coming up with a game. Another game. He wants to come up with questions about the guys to ask Meredith, and see how much she's learned about them. Now wait just a second here...is he trying to turn the tables? Does he not know that they have already been turned? Trying to turn them back would be against nature for sure! Just how many giraffes does this man think are left? So Meredith draws names from a cup and fails to answer any of the questions. They include the brilliant "What is Lanny's brother's name?" Cletus? Jed? Skeeter Bob Junior? Dubya? Who the hell knows? Certainly not Meredith, who gets a little pouty at having been put on the spot. She tells us that she feels bad, and Rick starts to crack up and as insincerely as possible admits that he came up with the game. Daggers of hate come shooting out of Meredith's otherwise glassy-eyed stare, and her confessional takes over to confirm that he is the downmarket Russ of this season just as Ryan M. was trying to fashion himself the low-rent Bob. And here's what she says: "Rick is annoying. Rick is not here for me. At all. I think that he's here to have a good time. And tonight showed that." And since clearly the dual concepts of "having a good time" and "being there for Meredith" are anathema to one another, Russ asks for one-on-one time and is squarely refused. Ooooh. Russ is in the doghouse. Or, actually, he could use the giraffe house, seeing as it now stands tragically empty.

Bachelorette

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