Bachelorette

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"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch"

Jillian lounges by the pool and reminisces about how she woke up and then was all excited, because there were 20 guys nearby ready to pleasure her, or something. She does her whole annoying "I'm not a blonde model with big boobs, but a regular ol' quirky Canadian" routine, like AMERICA, YOU CAN KEEP HER.

Despite the fact the "coming up" scenes showed Chris Harrison breaking the news to the guys that they're not living in the mansion but in the bunkhouse, we jump right to them checking out the place. To be fair, they can't show everything. I mean, they only have TWO HOURS.

Chris Harrison stops by to tell them there will be three dates this week: two group dates and an individual date, and he outlines the rose-distribution rules for those dates, and he warns them that not everyone will be going on a date.

But he has the first date card. It's for Michael, Brian, Brad, Sasha, Tanner P., Wes, Ed and Mathue. "The fun starts at my place, boys." Tanner P. says he's really excited for the date, and David says he wishes he were spending time with Jillian.

The guys show up at Jillian's place, where Jillian is still lounging around. Michael says Jillian was there, and the rose was there, and he wants both of those things. Several close-ups of Jillian's torso, while the guys tell us how hot she is, and then there is some pool volleyball going on, and then Michael is up on her bedroom patio telling her she smells awesome.

She leaves him to come down and get the rose, and the guys think she's taking it to give it to Michael. Only she sneaks off outside, while Mike waits outside. Eventually, he looks poolside, and the dudes are all, "Did you get a rose?" He didn't, and he comes back down and they're all confused because Jillian's gone. She got in a car, although they didn't see her.

Chris Harrison comes out to tell them, "This pool party is over, but the race for Jillian's heart is on." They're going to have to follow clues to find her.

Harrison tells him the guys are going to be teamed up in pairs of two, although only one person is going to get to have dinner with her. Outside in the parking lot are their team assignments and cars.

So some of the guys don't even bother putting their shirts on before racing out into the courtyard where four shiny Mini Coopers await, with team members listed on cards on the windshield. In front of each car is a lockbox containing the keys to the car -- and hundreds of keys, only one of which opens the lockbox. One team foregoes the keys entirely and just smashes open the box. Tanner P. and Michael are the last team to get out of the gate, and since the first three teams turned left, they elect to go right.

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Bachelorette

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