Bachelorette

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"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch"

So there is much teeth-gnashing and bitching by the guys. You know what? Where's your man code now? If you really don't want to send one of your buddies home, spoil your ballot. Write in "Chris Harrison." If nobody votes for anybody, what would they do? Wes advises everyone to get in the game and not worry about your buddies. Reid wishes he could vote for Wes.

Instead, Jillian comes in to see him while he sits alone agonizing over his selection. They talk about birthdays: his is April 24th, hers is Dec. 30th. Wow! That's so weird! You both have birthdays! He tells her that Tauruses and Capricorns make a great match.

Meanwhile, the other dudes are discussing who they voted for. Tanner (P.?) votes for David. Jesse votes for Juan, who is at that moment cutting in on Reid and Jillian. David, with the other guys, is still covering up his burning passion for Juan by threatening to beat the shit out of him, because he doesn't know how to say "make sweet love to him." He's breaking "man code left and right," David tells us. Juan admits that he's probably going to get a few votes, and tells Jillian that he's never been that super-aggressive kind of guy, while David is still ragging on about how Juan allegedly poured his drink out. So this is the guy who was all shucks and tongue-tied when he first met Jillian, huh? Well, I guess we know what makes him an expert at picking out the phonies.

Sigh. Then Brian tells us that he wants Jillian to see what a "versatile" guy, how he's an onion, with many layers to peel back. [Aw. There's nothing more romantic than watching a grown man quote from Shrek in order to impress the ladies. -- Angel] This means that, out by the pool, he takes off all his clothes -- all his clothes -- and jumps in the water. "It was like a bad car accident. You just couldn't take your eyes off everything," says Jesse. Jillian seems half-amused, and half-frightened, actually. I'm kind of wondering how many guys wanted their ballots back to change their votes.

Speaking of which, here comes Chris Harrison to tell us the results. In third place? Julien. The second-most votes? Dave. The most votes? Juan. Big surprise. "Thought you guys loved me," says Juan. Chris says this is ultimately up to Jillian, and she can save him by giving him a rose right now. To her credit, Jillian doesn't waste a whole lot of time and straight-out informs the guys that while she respects their opinion, she's keeping Juan. So this was all completely contrived to create some drama, right? Well, I guess that's this show in a nutshell.

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Bachelorette

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