Bachelorette

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"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch"

The rest of the bachelors, all dressed up with nowhere to go, watch the date on closed-circuit television. Wes talks about how beautiful she is, and he hopes she keeps him around, and then he goes in for a kiss, and all the guys watching groan, but I think it's because at least some of them prefer men and are kind of grossed out by this.

In the vault, Jillian natters on about being attracted to bad guys, and how she's a little worried about Wes, but not enough to let him go, and she pins the rose on his lapel, and the rest of the guys start screaming, and she tells Wes that he'll be spending the night at her place, taking pains to explain that he'll be in his own bed. That, of course, is what the other guys ask on what I can only presume was an awkward limo ride home with Jillian and all the guys together. Tanner P. wonders if Wes's mind is in the right place, since he has a career and he's "throwing out CDs." I wonder if Tanner P. even has a mind. More bitching from Brad, who says that if it wasn't for him, Wes would still be driving around, looking for Jillian. Not surprisingly, Wes is liking how things are turning out so far.

Also liking how things are going so far? Jake, who is "stoked" to be the first one to get a one-on-one date. We watch him pack his bags, which is when "things got real," because if he puts his foot in his mouth or they don't have chemistry, he's gone. Jillian comes down the path to pick up Jake, while the other guys hoot and holler at her red boots and black fringey dress. She tells us that she instant chemistry with Jake, which, as usual, just means he's good-looking. "I just want to make sure he's got that little X-factor and the spark I'm looking for." Their ride is a convertible that's either purple or blue depending on how the light shines on it, and he asks if she's a good driver, and she jokes that she's not, because she's a "girl, a woman driver."

"This is a total Jill dream date. It's going to blow his mind," she tells us. Which means it has a country theme, and then she says "honky-tonk" again, and they are in a store that sells jeans and cowboy hats to non-cowboys, and we are forced to watch a montage of Jake trying on clothes and Jillian pulling open his shirt so she can check out his twelve-pack. Get a load of that chemistry!

So once they're properly fake-cowboyed up, they head over to the House of Blues. Because when you think country music, you think the House of Blues! And Jake thought that the place was going to be packed and that they were going to be fighting their way to the bar. Which I guess means he's never seen the show before. Not that that's an indictment of Jake, actually. But of course they have the place to themselves, and Jillian hops up on the bar and says she always wanted to do the Coyote Ugly thing, and I really wish she would stop saying things, because I just keep liking her less and less. Jake pops a boner over Jillian dancing on the bar in her boots. "I was a good boy. I didn't peek up her skirt," he says.

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Bachelorette

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