Bachelorette

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"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch"

The next day, Jillian tells us that she's planned today's date for the guys. Meanwhile, the guys are speculating as to what the date might be. One of them suggests it's not too early for a poem to be written. Someone else asks if anyone's written a poem and read it to a woman before. Juan is the only who raises his hand, and Tanner P. says in an interview that Juan might be in trouble, as he lacks some testosterone. I'd like to point out that a) Juan admitted to be a bunch of douchebags that he's written poetry for women, so he's probably not worried about you, and b) alluding to someone else's lack of testosterone makes your own quantity seem suspect. But that's just me. "He might be good at... maybe... badminton?" I guess that's code for "gay" for Tanner P.

Kiptyn, meanwhile, assumes that the date has something to do with playing sports, and he sounds a little tentative, because all the rest of the guys were college athletes.

The date? A game of pickup basketball on an outdoor court at Venice Beach, where Jillian orders all the guys to take their shirts off, so she can get a look at which guys she has the most chemistry with. David brags that he's the most athletic guy in the house. "I think some girls find that attractive," he says. Well, if they also find "raging assholishness" attractive, too, then this competition is over! Simon, the British guy, launches an airball. "I'm not going to impress Jillian with my basketball skills," he says, adding that he's complete "rubbish." Jesse, meanwhile, is not at all worried about Juan getting a rose, because he's into things like art and architecture, poetry and intellectual "things." Someone should point out to Jesse that some women are into those things. However, so far this season it doesn't seem like Jillian is one of those women. Maybe Juan should walk around pretending to be an idiot and say the word "honky-tonk," and then Jillian will jump him. Instead, Juan lifts Jillian up to the hoop, and she doesn't exactly have the softest landing, and the other guys bitch at Juan for dropping her. "I did not drop her! I set her down like a gentle butterfly."

So then here comes the twist: Jillian says she's going off to get some of her friends, and she returns with several big black guys. This has our bachelors quivering a little, but they really ought to have known something was up, given that there weren't even any token black guys among Jillian's original 30bachelors.

And the new guys pull off their shirts to reveal Harlem Globetrotters uniforms! On the one hand, I hate this show. But on the other: yay! The Harlem Globetrotters! David doesn't seem to be harboring any illusions about their ability to compete with these guys, but he's hoping to score just one basket.

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Bachelorette

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