Then she pulls Doug aside to tell him about the sweet letter from his son and how Doug made her feel very comfortable, and she wants to give him the first impression rose. This seems to meet with approval among the rest of the men (as long as "Helicopter Guy" doesn't get it), because we all know it's important for the rest of the contestants to like you, right? Kalon figures he'll get a rose anyway so he's not sweating it. Chris, however, seems a little put out that he wasn't chosen.

Hooray! The first Rose Ceremony! This is always my favorite part: shithead elimination. So who's getting roses? Before we find out, Emily has to blather on about feelings and expectations and being hopeful and, I don't know, probably some shit about love.

The roses: Chris. Ryan. Kalon (aw, goddammit). Arie. Charlie. "Jef" (double goddammit). Nate. Sean. Joe. Kyle. Aaron. I've already forgotten who some of these guys are. Alejandro. John. Alessandro. Michael. Stevie (this is the "party MC" who was talking the most shit about Kalon the Helicopter Boy). Tony. There was a Tony? Harrison comes out to tell everyone that the last rose IS THE LAST ROSE, and it goes to Travis, who almost faints in relief. Goodbye, everyone else! That means you, token non-white guy!

The rejected bachelors line up to hug Emily and wish her well. The 41-year-old says his six kids will be sad, because I suppose they want him to father a few more so they can field a full baseball team. He gets a little choked up as he contemplates the probability of his finding love at his age with six kids, which kinda bums me out.

< p>Jean-Paul, the marine biologist, is likewise disappointed to not get any more chances to rub up on Emily. He's going through a divorce, it seems. Get a convertible like you're supposed to, guy.

Emily tells the survivors that she couldn't be more excited about the group that remains, and she toasts finding love in Charlotte, which makes the guys go "woo" and makes me really, really sad, a feeling that the "this season on The Bachelorette" scenes do nothing to dissipate.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Remind him why he does this again? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.