Bachelorette
Emily Meets the Bachelors

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For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

Harrison asks her what things look like for her, and she says it's a minivan full of babies. Gentlemen, you've been warned. "Let's not open with that speech for the guys," Harrison advises her.

After a commercial break, Emily is ready to meet this seasons' twenty-five assholes, but not without a brief panic attack. Finally she's ready. Harrison wishes her luck, and then says, "Let the journey begin."

Here come the limos! First up: Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, who hugs her a couple of times and moves on. David, the songwriter, is next, who tells her he's glad she's the Bachelorette. Doug, a charity director/ Realtor from Seattle asks if it's OK if he's a hugger. Shut up, Doug. He has an 11-year-old son that he thinks is his ticket to bonding with Emily.

Jackson, 29, from Lockport, Ill., is a fitness model -- good god, is it too late to back out of this recapping gig? He gets down on his knees to spout some bullshit about moments that take our breath away. Then there is Joe, 27, a "field energy advisor," whatever that is, from L.A. who reacts to Emily the exact same way you assume he responds when he sees one of his frat buddies.

Then comes Arie the racecar driver, who elects not to mention his occupation when he meets her. Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, tells her she looks absolutely stunning. She does, too; Emily could be the best-looking Bachelorette yet, and I'm not sure it's even close. He says he's in awe, and she praises his turquoise tie. In comes, Chris, 25, a corporate sales director (as opposed to one of those amateur sales directors) from Chicago, who says he feels truly blessed to be standing there with her. He relays some family wisdom on love and mentions God again, so I guess he's the religious one. Not sure how any of this squares with the Bible, but as long as it's only men coming out of the limousine, we're probably safe. We are in North "marry your cousin, not your gay partner" Carolina, after all.

Next up: Aaron, a biology teacher from Long Beach who is as old as I am, meaning he is ancient by this show's standards. He kisses her hand and makes an awful joke about how he hopes to have chemistry with her. He'll be gone by the end of the night.

Alessandro is a 30-year-old grain merchant who seems surprised that she's real. Perhaps he'll confer with the village blacksmith over the best way to woo her. He's from Brazil originally, and there's some awkward Spanish speaking.

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