Bachelorette
Emily Meets the Bachelors

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For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

Oh hell no. We have an Alessandro and an Alejandro? The latter is a 24-year-old mushroom farmer from San Francisco. He's from, according to the show, a place called "Columbia." I wonder if it's anything like Colombia? He speaks Spanish to her that is much more advanced than hers; she's barely able to say what her name is, which anyone can do after one episode of Handy Manny.

Ryan, 31, is a pro sports trainer from Augusta who says she looks amazing. He wrote some notes down, but it's a pretense to hold up a piece of paper that says, "You are beautiful" on it.

And now a helicopter is landing, causing consternation among the men (as well as for Emily). Speculation runs rampant as to who it could be. Is it Brad? "Whoever this is, we're all gonna hate him," says one of the bachelors. Since it turns out to be Kalon, the "luxury brand consultant," that's likely true. The other men watch jealously as he strides across the grounds towards Emily and facetiously apologizes for being late. Then he strolls into the house and acts the big man as he talks about seeing them all having a little party as he flew in.

Anyway, that's it, although I'm not sure where these "twenty-five incredible men" are that Chris Harrison mentions to Emily as he reminds her about the first-impression rose. And now it's time for her to mingle with the men, who appear to be talking only about how a) how beautiful she is and b) seriously, I knew she was beautiful, but then I saw her in person, dude.

She welcomes them all to Charlotte and says "golly" and "y'all" and thanks them all for being here, telling them that it wasn't long ago that she was in the same position they're in.

Painful scenes of small talk ensue. Wait, does the 41-year-old ACTUALLY have six kids? Chris the corporate sales director has a bobblehead of himself, because of course he does. He also has one of her, which is totally sweet and not all creepy and weird or anything! Emily decides this weirdo is "super-hot" and super thoughtful, so I give up. And now everyone is making fun of Travis's ostrich egg, which he tries to tell us is better than coming in on a helicopter and being "super ritzy," although the distinctions are lost on me.

"Jef" tells her that Emily, having gone through the shit she has, deserves the best. At the very least, she deserves someone who can spell "Jeff" correctly. She tells us he made a great first impression, because he's "super-cool" and she hopes he thinks she's cool too. Too bad that by the time you're 26 and already have a kid you're not beyond hoping some douchebag who takes his grooming cues from A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon thinks you're cool.

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Bachelorette

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