Bachelorette
Season 7 Episode 1

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Meet the Meat
nsists on snapping a few photos so he can do some scrapbooking or journaling later. J.P., who is ALSO in the construction business as a manager, is next and he has nothing but his smile. Luckily she is a dentist and appreciates such things. What does she not appreciate? Wonky comic poems as spoken by Nick, a personal trainer from Florida. Blake, who has no personality, no charisma, and no mnemonic device wanders through next. The mysterious Bentley is next. Ashley sizes him up and they exchange curt pleasantries, but you can tell she thinks he's hot. Last but not least is Constantine, who fashions a ring out of dental floss, which is tolerable dental humor. Barely. Chris Harrison comes out to indicate that all of Ashley's man meat has arrived. Is her husband inside? The only way to find out is to start the meet-and-greet and hand out some damn roses. Let's do this thing!

Ashley heads in to meet her destiny. Also to get a drink already. I mean, what's a girl got to do to get a drink? Ashley puts out her Open for Business sign and the men loom large. Ryan P., the solar energy guy, swoops in first. He explains that he is the whole package: Eco-friendly, blond, ready for those infamous next steps. Ben F., the winemaker cuts in and they talk vintages, grapes, and life goals. Then a guy (Matt?) brave enough to wear mismatched plaids is such a mama's boy that he suggests he and Ashley call his mother RIGHT NOW. Ashley is like no, no, okay yes. And they call and she gives the pair some motherly advice, "When you forgo your separate rooms and stay in the fantasy suite, remember your mothers are watching, and use protection." Oh snap! I'm giving the mom the first impression rose!

Later some guy interrupts Ashley's conversation-a-trois by playing a guitar. He lures her outside with the promise of a song, and then tosses the guitar in the pool because he doesn't actually play. It was all a ploy to get her alone! Hahaha, that's a trait you want in a husband for sure!

Inside, things are heating up. The weirdo in the mask is introduced as Jeff, an entrepreneur (perhaps in superhero supplies/Hamburglaring?) who claims he is of a higher moral order who is beyond the superficiality of the visage. He wants Ashley to look deeper. Unfortunately Tim from Long Island, New York, isn't able to look past the mask. And it seems Tim is mere moments away from going all Hicksville on the Masked Man, if you know what I mean. Tim tells the Masked Man to get off his couch or at least not cross the line of death if he knows what's good for him. The rest of the men all buzz around like 12-year-olds at a middle school dance hoping for a fight.

Chris Harrison interrupts the festivities to drop off the First Impression rose and freak the crap out of the men by reminding them that they aren't just there to swap business cards and egg on fights. Ashley starts double-teaming the guys to fit them all in before the Rose Ceremony. Ben, the French-speaking New Orleans lawyer, does a cute Bob Dylan card thing where he writes a message on poster boards to get her attention. It's cute and so is he. He explains his international pedigree (born in France! raised in England! lives in New Orleans!) and charms her. William the sales guy does a gag-inducing Sean Connery impression, which makes it seem like he's never seen actual Sean Connery, but has seen the "Saturday Night Live" sketches with a fake Sean Connery and he is basing his impression on that. Other than that uncorrected personality trait he seems like an affable enough guy who bears a passing resemblance to a Prince William/Michael Vartan love child.

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Bachelorette

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