Season 7 Episode 1

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | Grade It Now!
Meet the Meat

It's the last rose. We know this, because Chris Harrison comes out and tells us, "It's the last rose." He thinks we are dumb, or, you know, watching Netflix on our iPads. The last rose? It goes to Bentley. Because the producers made her do it. Even though right before the Rose Ceremony, the same producers played an awkward voiceover of Bentley saying Ashley wasn't his type, but he wanted to win. So they are just setting Ashley up for ...I don't know. Having to hang out with an asshole for hours? Everyone who didn't get a rose gives fake farewells and air kisses.

A melancholy parade of sad men leave the manor looking heartbroken over a stranger, taking deep manly breaths so they don't ugly cry on national television. Anthony the butcher says goodbye and sadly tells us that he's been single for seven years, but if Ashley wants to be with Batman? Well good luck, he can't compete. He makes a compelling argument. Ashley gathers the chosen men around and then freaks them all out by announcing, "I think my husband is in this crowd!" The men all start nervously shifting from foot to foot and glancing around the group hoping that someone else is answering that particular call. Nope, no one. Sorry Ashley, better luck next time!

You think we're done? We're not done. Chris Harrison takes us on a tour of the future. Seriously, he's like the gelled-up Hugo Boss-ed Ghost of Christmas Future, it's a horrible future where all the presents are chuckleheads in cheap suits doing the old yawn-and-reach to get close to Ashley. She is kissing some, Jeff is STILL wearing his mask, Bentley is STILL there, and Ashley is in bed crying her pretty eyes out over a broken heart. They make it seem like it's all Bentley's fault, but it is unlikely this show would spoil their own ending, even if that would really stick it to Spoiler King Reality Steve. Anyway, can't wait to see exactly what kind of ass Bentley turns out to be. And I can't wait for the show where Ashley's rumor-mongering "friend" gets to waggle her finger in Ashley's face and say, "Girl, I TOLD YOU SO." Because, you know what? She totally did.

Watch an interview with Ashley and get a closer look at her most memorable suitors.

Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is too old for this shit. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers

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