Bachelorette

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Seventeen and Counting

Meanwhile, Ali is not particularly concerned about Fake Dean, The Weatherman, or anyone else on the show because she is too busy shoving her tongue down Frank's throat and pretending her hand is appropriately placed for primetime. I'm not sure if she knows he lives in his parents' basement, because dealbreaker, right? Have you all seen The Entertainer on VH1? He has made an entire reality show career out of striving to get out of his parents' basement. Ali doesn't care, she gives Frank his rose, and they kiss like the cameras ain't there and grandma ain't watching.

I'm not sure where Ali has been cloistered for the duration of the show, but I bet the location is top-secret to prevent any attempts of a panty raid from the boys' camp. Anyway, it's group date day! Ali greets the men at a beach house in Malibu with a big surprise for the men: She's in love with Frank and they can all go home! Ha ha ha, no. Slightly less humiliating, they are making a Sexy Guy Calendar and are insisting on calling it that! But don't feel exploited, guys; it's for charity. Poor Justin is hopping up and down the beach on one leg with his crutches in hand, but no one offers any assistance. As the men get dressed for their photo shoot, they don their banana hammocks with all the style and grace of a fraternity of macho moose and horny hedgehogs. I don't know what that means either, but all the guys do is mock each other and pack their Speedos with socks when they think no one is looking. Jonathan the wittle weatherman makes a big whiny fuss about having to wear a Speedo in public because apparently he has a very small package and for some reason announcing THAT on national television is LESS embarrassing than just putting on the damn Speedo. He makes sure everyone knows he is embarrassed, and in front of Ali he begs wardrobe for, like, anything else to wear. Preferably something with a built-in codpiece or a blousy look that leaves a lot to the imagination. I guess Frank did not share the valuable lesson he learned on his date, namely Ali doesn't abide whiners.

Then the photo shoot starts, and Fake Dean shows the boys how it's done. ("It" being posing for the camera like a third-rate Canadian cigar catalogue model. "Blue Steel" it is not; maybe Blue Aluminum Foil, probably Blue Napkin.) Not that Ali notices, anyway. Ali joins a few lucky men in their photo shoots and basically plays cock tease for five hours, which I think is actually the point of the group date. The men all try to stroke her hair or sniff her without being called out as overtly creepy. They all struggle to make Ali notice they exist, but it only seems to work for the dickless weatherman and Tennessee Ty and his musical ears.

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Bachelorette

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