Bachelorette

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Seventeen and Counting

The next day, Ali is super excited about her date with Peculiar Jesse because he is "hot." She doesn't know anything else about him except that he is from Peculiar, Missouri and possibly works for the Chamber of Commerce. Ali is taking Jesse to Vegas on a private jet, which is a big deal for the small-town boy, but also for Ali, who is apparently terrified of flying. The fact that she is scared shitless by flying kind of ruins the illusion they are thrusting on us that she "chose" this date. Maybe on her next date she'll "choose" to be covered in spiders, whipped with live cobras, and to sit in the audience of Emeril Live. She survives the flight, and she and Jesse hop into the red convertible Ferrari parked on the runway. They drive to a hotel and hit the pool and then roll around in the water in the bathing suits. Peculiar Jesse is going to have a lot to explain to the folks back in Missouri. Like private jets and Italian sports cars and pre-marital sex and what a nice boy like him is doing in Sin City.

Somebody took pity on Jesse and bought him a better suit and a shirt that requires cufflinks and not snaps, which is a big step for him. Jesse finds Ali in a luxury suite. They spend a lot of time hugging, but Ali confesses that while she knows Jesse is a really nice guy, she needs to make sure that they have a real connection. She wants love, not loins. Jesse flat-out asks for the rose, which doesn't seem particularly polite. They hug some more. Hey, do you wonder how things are going back at the man brothel? Me neither, but they show us anyway: Fake Dean is full-on torturing The Weatherman. This is clearly strategic on Fake Dean's part, because if the house turns into a sort of Lord of the Flies situation, he wants to make sure everyone knows who is Piggy and who is not. Back on the real date, Ali ruins any sense of suspense and gives Jesse his rose. Then they go to some closed-down club and are serenaded by a singer-songwriter who is reminiscent of a poor man's Elton John... er, make that a poor man's Ben Folds... er, make that male Vanessa Carlton. Whoever he is, I bet Perez Hilton really likes him. Anyway, some guy who probably sadly thinks this is some sort of career-making moment plays the couple a song so they can dance. Alone in a closed club. That's not my idea of fun; in fact it just seems pretty damn awkward. I'm sure alcohol helps alleviate that. Hope Jesse's not from a dry county!

The next night it's time for the second cocktail party, which greases the wheels for the Rose Ceremony. Frank, Ty and Jesse are sitting pretty with their roses neatly tucked into their lapels. Ali drags Chris L. (the Cape Cod landscaper with the dead mom) away for some quality time, and he manages to come across as a stand-up guy without too many issues. Well, enough issues to look for a wife on a reality show, but otherwise just peachy. Ali then talks to Roberto, who swept her off her feet last week, but didn't get invited on any dates this week. So when he gets her alone, he immediately tells her that he is a baseball player who was drafted by both the Rockies and the Twins. Obviously this makes any girl's ovaries jump for joy and start thinking of being an MLB wife and dreaming of starring in some future incarnation of the Real Housewives. Ali and Roberto play catch on the lawn, but he only gets to first base. Then Ali chats briefly with lockjawed Kasey who can't move his mouth so I won't mock him, but they only get a few moments together before Frank swoops in to reclaim his woman. He admits to Ali that he left the date feeling like she was HIS girlfriend and now he is going to have to pee in a territorial circle to ward off her other suitors. Instead of using urine, he makes out with her in full view of all the other guys, which is actually probably more effective.

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Bachelorette

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