Bachelorette
Episode 2

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King Jeremy the Wicked

He tells her he thinks his divorce bothers her, and she admits she's never dated a divorced dude before, but it doesn't bother her. Then she jokes that she's surprised he's being all serious with her, when she thought he was going to make a nice light comment, and then he does a complete 180 and tries -- too late -- to show what a happy-fun guy he is. He talks about how he's looking forward to having a "herd" of kids, but when DeAnna looks terrified, he downgrades to "three" and then to "a couple." But it's about being real, right? In a talking head, he's all, "Jeremy's not the front-runner anymore. Game on!"

Then we have a pushup contest, for some reason. Some guys start packing it in pretty early. I would be in that group. Jeremy says he could have gone longer, but he took a dive, because he didn't want to keep showing up the other guys. In the end, Jesse just tops Brian (although his pushup technique was very sloppy by the end -- but I should acknowledge I doubt my ability to get into the double digits). Afterwards Jesse sits down with DeAnna and talks a bunch of shit about how he wants to spend time at home with his (eventual) kids and be the "cool dad." Here's a tip: trying to be the "cool dad" usually makes you into the ineffectual douchebag dad.

Paul, Graham and Jeremy are all safe for the rose ceremony. Ron gets the first rose. Then Jesse. Robert's next. "I guess we're not going on baseball swings," he jokes. Or heterosexuality! Then Brian. Then Jason. Then Fred. The rest of the guys are looking glummer and glummer. Sean and his mullet get the next rose, followed by Richard. If you're not keeping count, don't worry: here's Harrison to tell us all we're down to the last rose, which goes to Twilley.

The losers exchange man-hugs with the other bachelors, and sensitive-no-hard-feelings-man-hugs with DeAnna. Eric says it hurts mentally, psychologically and emotionally. He says something about bringing a lot to the table, but he's not necessarily going to "dish it and feed it to you." Unless it's made with feta cheese, in which case he'll ram it down your throat. Chris says he has no idea what she wants, and that he's a little pissed that she doesn't seem to know what she wants. "It's never fun when a girl tells you no," says Ryan, who ought to know. "I was voted friendliest person in eighth grade," he brags. Hey, you know what I was in eighth grade? THIRTEEN. Grow up, Ryan. Ryan says in an ideal world, this would end with a happy ending, which is DeAnna choosing him. You see how that's not a happy ending for anyone but you, right?

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Bachelorette

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