Bachelorette

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Who in the What Now?

While no one really gives a rat's ass about what the collection of Bohunks are doing back at the Bohunk Bungalow, the producers insist on showing us anyway. So what do a group of manly men trying to outman each other do? Grill meat, of course. Well, grill meat, bitch about not going picked for a date, and whinge about gimpy Justin. End Scene.

Roberto and Ali are testing the limits of The Bachelorette's insurance policy, much to Roberto's inner insurance man's chagrin. They are honest-to-god tightrope walking between buildings. To enable them to do this while not killing them and causing them to plunge to a fiery death and forcing the insurance company into a large payout, the lovey-dovey twosome are strapped, harnessed, chained, pinned, snapped, girded, locked, helmeted and bungeed into place. The chances of them falling are now nonexistent. And why would Ali -- a woman who has made her fear of flying (even on a private jet!) quite clear -- agree to TIGHTROPE WALK over Los Angeles? Oh right: The pursuit of love. I mean, yeah, this is totally part of a normal relationship vetting process. Roberto decides to steal a kiss 500 feet in the air, because Ali can't play coy. Well, she could, but then she would die, so just submitting is much easier. She giggles and they finally get to their dinner, which is undoubtedly cold. Hope they didn't forget the forks on the other side!

Back at the Bohunk Bungalow, the men are all gathered in the living room for the Next Big Announcement. Harrison doesn't bother showing up, he just has an intern chuck the card outside the house and Ding Dong Ditch so the guys know to open the door. It's a group date featuring a bunch of guys including Frank and Peculiar Jesse, The Weatherman and Chris L. Also a guy from Issaquah, Washington who I feel I should root for just because I actually know where the fuck Issaquah, Washington, is located, but I don't feel like it so I won't. Everyone is very excited about the prospect of looking for love in the lump of loins that is a Bachelorette group date. Ali's note asks the guys to "Rock My World", which makes me wonder if Bret Michaels is doing a cameo on his Road to Recovery (and Love). But based on the trailers, I don't think we are going to be hearing his dulcet tones, and in fact will be ramming pencils into our ears very, very soon.

Out on the roof of the skyscraper, somehow Ali and Roberto have managed to don proper dining togs in advance of their romantic feast. They must have carried their clothes in their backpacks from the other building. I mean, they wouldn't have CHEATED and had someone else bring their clothes, would they? Roberto is explaining to Ali that he is a cunning linguist and speaks Spanish, some French and a little Italian. Ali thinks his, er... lingual skills are very sexy. Ali then explains to us that she does not have low self-esteem issues except when she is around Roberto, who makes her feel fat and ugly and stupid, and she totally loves that. Like she's finally a real woman. Um... yes. Let's sing a round of "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman," eh? Carole King clearly had this situation in mind when she wrote the song. Anyway, Ali has had enough of this tiresome "sitting at a table and using forks" thing, and magically pillows and a coital protective garment appear on the rooftop. Roberto tries to build up Ali's self-esteem by reminding her that she's cute. Ali rewards him with a rose. And another cuddle. Bringing the kiss count up to THREE (or TRES, for the Spanish-speaking among us). She has made out with every guy she has gone on a one-on-one date with. Grandma would be proud!

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Bachelorette

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