Bachelorette

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Who in the What Now?

Now it's Group Date day, but no one call her a prostitution whore. She's just LUCKY. And you're just jealous. The guys all explain how fake-excited they are to be gang-dating Ali and then they pile into the limo and head out. In the middle of a deserted stretch of road (I think it's in the Mad Max neighborhood of Los Angeles) Ali stops the car by standing in the middle of the road with a whip and a glare. Okay fine, no whip, but it was a fine Mel Gibson impersonation. The guys pile out of the Hummer limo (apt, no?) and party-peck Ali's cheek while trying to figure out where the heck they are. Ali glimmers and glows and lures the men under an overpass where a girl gang descends from the eaves and beats them all senseless while shouting, "Smash the dominant paradigm!" and "Stop douchebaggery!" and then tying all the bros up and waiting for FEMINIST HULK to arrive and force them to watch Rain Without Thunder and Thelma and Louise until they cry and beg for pay equality.

...Sigh. Wouldn't that have been a sight? So much better than what really happened, which was this: Ali leads the men around the corned and they find THE BARENAKED LADIES playing the one Barenaked Ladies song anyone (except Jason Priestley) has ever heard. Yay? Drink for cultural relevance! What? No one who has written a song in the last TEN years was available? Freakin' Black Eyed Peas weren't available? LIES! Of course they were. Anyway the guys all pretend to be SUPER excited about the possibility of being in a Barenaked Ladies video that NO ONE will ever see. Oh wait, that last bit was clearly the silver lining of this situation. Relax guys, no one will ever see this! Oh wait... nevermind. Craig R., the uber-bro lawyer from Philly, pretends all his frat brothers would be super jealous of this amazing opportunity. What do you expect? He's a lawyer, he's a great bullshitter. The Barenaked Ladies play their ostensibly new song and everyone pretends to listen and enjoy it, but mostly because Ali is pretending to be really into the song and so the guys can't sit on the sidelines and openly mock the overaching LAMENESS of it all. Then the putative director comes out and orders everyone onto the set. The script is handed out and ooh la la, there are some kissing scenes. Start passing out the Valtrex!

For the video, Ali has to slut it up with the guys. But first she has to slap Frank NINE times for the initial scene. Obviously the boys really enjoyed watching that. John R., the hotel businessman from Issaquah, Washington, has the only scene that does not involve any physical interaction with Ali. This makes him sad. But not nearly as sad as The Weatherman, who has to (gasp!) KISS ALI. To ensure a smooth scene, he swallows a big old Awkward Pill and then embarks on embarrassing himself in everyway possible way aside from wetting his pants in public. He is so ungainly and gawky and unsure of himself that everyone is embarrassed for him. He ends up crying (CRYING!!) over his humiliating inability to lay one on the lady, so she hugs him and plants one on him. Later he swears he saw rockets and stars and little jumping monkeys because the connection was so REAL. I bet he really enjoys pity sex, too.

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Bachelorette

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