Bachelorette
Season 7 Episode 3

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The Dearly Departed

As Ashley pouts over another man, J.P. reminds her that he, for one, really wants to be there and she's going to be okay. All across America hearts melt. Ashley gives him a rose and promises him a better date next time. Then she pulls a librarian, takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and they make out. Then she apologizes four times for not being more fun. Pish posh, girl! Is there anything more fun than being apologized to over and over again?

It's time for the Rose Ceremony, but Ashley is running late. She is too heartbroken over Bentley's departure to even think about the other men. She tears up again as she stares at his picture in the pre-rose ceremony room. She claims that last week she saw her husband in the room ...and now she doesn't. World's smallest violin, girl! Chris Harrison catches her sniveling over the picture of the dearly departed. He gets her to sit and listen to some reason. He points out that Bentley could have stayed if he wanted to. He could have fought for her if he wanted to be there. But he left. She was warned about him and maybe the forbidden nature of the relationship may have fueled her fucked up low self-esteem fire. Ashley nods. Oh my god, Chris Harrison may have earned his keep. That mail-order psychology degree from University of Phoenix (he studies when he's off camera between the date announcement and the Rose Ceremony) really came in handy!

Ashley tells him that she doesn't want a cocktail party tonight, but instead wants to go straight to handing out roses. Chris heads out to break it to the men. William looks miserable in the corner wishing he hadn't hurt Ashley's feelings at the Roast and started the shame spiral. Chris reminds everyone that two people are going home tonight. Ashley comes out and expounds further on her insecurities. Sexy, right? She reminds them that she got her feelings hurt at the Roast and then again when Bentley split, so she just didn't have the energy for a cocktail party. She cuts to the chase and starts shelling out roses: Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F., Blake, Nick, Ames, and Lucas all accept their roses. Then it is the final rose of the evening. William rocks back and forth in agony, but obviously Ashley gives him the rose. He tells her not to even ask if he will accept it. He apologizes again.

Obviously Jeff a.k.a. the Phantom of the Manor a.k.a. El Dorko is out because without his mask, the producers have no reason to force Ashley to keep him around. I would tell you who left with Jeff, but I honestly have never seen this so-called Chris D. before. Are we sure he has been there since the beginning? Ashley toasts everyone, but it is clear that her heart isn't in it. As we leave, the producers feel it is wise to leave us with a shot of Jeff -- in his mask -- taking a crap on the can while Bentley stands next to him peering in the mirror and tenderly fixing each tuft of hair to create the perfect bedhead look. It's a scene so utterly disturbing I will probably never sleep again and will spend all night, every night, writing irate letters to ABC demanding restitution or at least counseling.

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Bachelorette

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