Bachelorette

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Take New York

Has it really been a whole week since we last got to play voyeur to Ali and her Himbos on their *cough* path to love? Has it really only been a week since what's -his-face and that other what's-his-face whose biggest personality trait was that he hailed from Issaquah, Washington (a town whose biggest export is Modest Mouse) get booted for Failure to Thrive? A week since Rated R walked on alternating legs one at a time for five miles uphill to go get a cuddle with Ali? A week since all the bohunks in the house tried to have an asshole intervention and made Rated R cry and then it failed and Rated R is still in the house but with an even bigger chip on his shoulder? And didn't The Weatherman cry, too? And Ali made out with four different guys and not once did it dent her squeaky-clean, wholesome image? All that happened last week... yet there's more. No putting it off, I guess. Sigh.

Chris Harrison "earns his keep" by putting on clothes, shuffling out of his intern-lined Man Cave and telling the guys that there are two one-on-one dates in play this week and one group date. Then he asks the guys the rhetorical question: How far would you travel to fall in love? The guys stare at him, unsure whether they are supposed to answer (especially Tennessee Ty, who has no idea what rhetorical means), and Harrison finishes with a flourish: Pack your bags, gents, you're traveling the world to fall in love! And then I punch my television screen, because why do these chuckleheads get to travel the world instead of staying locked in a mini-mansion in Thousand Oaks so I can mock them? That's it: I'm getting meaner. Also, trying out for The Amazing Race. Harrison announces Destination Numero Uno is New York City. The guys all hoot and holler (except Tennesse Ty, whose ears have gotten tangled in the tassels on Frank's hoodie) and Harrison makes like a tree and leaves before the man-cooties catch him. Run, Chris, run!

The ABC graphics department resurrects some images from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and we get a little picture of an airplane flying across a map from Los Angeles to New York City. It's nice to know that someone held on to their Apple IIe computers. Ali has gotten in touch with her pioneer woman forebears and trailblazed a path to New York City for her menfolk. But as a devout feminist, she wants to make sure she looks good for her man... er, men. So then we get a very weird product placement from InStyle magazine, of all things. I mean, I know the print *cough* journalism business is sucking some major ink right now, but for reals: Who is going to go buy InStyle just because they gave Bachelorette Ali a new wardrobe and a free makeover? Not me! So InStyle's not-at-all gay fashion director gives Ali some New York City styling and doesn't make any weight jokes at all, or even sneer, really. Not that Ali is by any means fat, but when was the last time a Fashion Director at InStyle dressed a Size 6?

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Bachelorette

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