Bachelorette

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Take New York

Anyway, Fat Ali (I'm kidding! Don't e-mail me.) heads to hair and makeup and describes all the men she's swapped spit with over the course of the last few days (weeks?) . The hairdresser hands her a Valtrex, and then it's photo shoot time! Because what is a makeover without a photo shoot? Ali stands and giggles in front of a rack of clothes and makes it abundantly clear that she has never seen even one episode of America's Next Top Model, because all she does is stand there and does not look at all fierce or laugh with her eyes or tuck in her chin while extending her neck. She is so going to look catalogue. Then the Fashion Director shows her the pictures and announces that she is going to be in the magazine! Like, BIG SHOCK! You totally thought InStyle was doing this out of the goodness of their steely corporate heart, right? Right. Ali admits that she always wanted to be a model and used to submit her high school class photos to YM's model search year after year, but they never responded. Now she is a model! So fuck you, YM!

The men land in New York City and make all the appropriate oohs and aahhs and "why is everyone walking so fast?" and "aren't the buildings so tall" noises. They arrive at the hotel and Frank does the obligatory I-wish-it-was-me-and-Ali-staying-here thing. Hey, Frank: SHE'S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. The first date is announced and the winner is? KASEY! The guy who talks like he wore really assertive head gear throughout high school and forgot how to move his jaw. Either that or he Botoxed his ENTIRE face. Really, I don't get the attraction. He looks like a pinhead Ken doll with the personality to match. Kasey explains that he knows that there is a deep and lasting connection between him and this girl Ali he met twice with a bunch of other guys. If she doesn't pick him, he will commit seppuku. It's the only honorable thing to do.

Ali swings by the product-placed condo where the bohunks are staying and picks up Kasey for the date. She is SUCH a modern woman! Kasey explains to us that he has so many things and feelings in his body and his pants, and also his mind, that he has no idea how to explain it. Chris L. lends a helping hand: Kasey thinks Ali poops peaches and roses and rides to work on a unicorn with hearts floating around her head or something. Chris L., however, thinks Ali just might be mortal. A hot mortal, but still mortal. Kasey may fight him over that slander.

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Bachelorette

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