Bachelorette

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Take New York

Date Time! Ali reminds us that Kasey has never been to New York before, so first stop? The Intrepid. I've lived in New York for ten years and it has never once occurred to me to go the Intrepid, because it is a giant aircraft carrier parked off the West Side Highway and you have to, like, walk there, pay an overpriced entrance fee, and they don't sell beer. What is the point? I'll just watch Top Gun four times and call it a draw. A helicopter lands on the deck and Ali, who must be over her fear of flight by now, because she doesn't mention it even once, hops in and they go flying over the harbor. Kasey talks about love and butterflies and rainbows and pretty Ali, but he is such a mush-mouth that it ends up just sounding like the teacher in all the Peanuts cartoons: wah wah waa wah wah waaaaaah. The helicopter touches down, and the couple enjoys a picnic on the grass.

Kasey makes the most of his alone time by singing a really tuneless song about how pretty Ali is and it was flat and fell flat and Ali fake-laughed and Kasey got the sads, but then he continued singing, because why let all kinds of awkward and an awful singing voice stop you from serenading your escort? NEVER! The date does not end at sunset, but Ali drags Kasey to the American Museum of Natural History for some alone time with the dinosaurs. Contrary to what the movies tell you, the museum does not come alive at night, so Kasey does not get eaten by an allosaurus. In the confessional, Ali states the obvious: Kasey is a kornball who sings off-key. But she is trying to be open-minded. Meanwhile, Kasey tells us that he definitely deserves a rose because he loves Ali. Loves her! He will love her forever and never to part, together forever we two, you know that I would move heaven and earth to be together forever with you. Oh yeah, I just Rick Rolled the whole damn recap.

Back at the condo, the men are making the most of their first night in New York City and are hanging around drinking beer. It's probably safer, because if you let them out into New York nightlife, they would end up getting drunk and hitting on girls and thus outing themselves as "not being there for Ali." Also, NYC has a nasty bedbug situation, and they would totally infest the condo. Best to keep them safely cloistered in their luxury digs. Ty announces the lucky himbos going on the group date with Ali: The Weatherman, Ty, Frank, Roberto, Jesse, Kirk, and Craig. How awkward to have that many guys you've made out with (and The Weatherman, who you were forced to make out with by the evil Barenaked Ladies) all in one room. Justin pouts that he didn't get a date, but no one cares.

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Bachelorette

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