Bachelorette

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Take New York

Back on the date, Kasey and Ali have made it to the Blue Whale room. The whale dangles alluringly from the ceiling and is the reason that my kid is confident that whales fly. There is a couch and candles and some wine -- along with a rose. Ali explains to us that, while she is on this one-on-one date, she really needs to figure out whether Kasey is husband material. So what does Kasey do? He extols her with a steady stream of Hallmark-worthy cheeseball lines about staying in his heart and protecting her heart and loving her forever and THEN HE SINGS AGAIN. Like, I really wish Simon Cowell would pop up and tell him to STOP SINGING and to really consider a new line of work. Who told this guy he could sing?? STOP IT. You are embarrassing your mother. Ali doesn't believe anything that Kasey is saying, which is the smartest thing that Ali has ever said. She won't give him a rose, but instead of sending the Cheeseball with Legs (and nuts! I think! Didn't check!) home, she makes us look at his weird stiff motionless head for another hour. Then she ditches him under the whale. Kasey sits morosely under the whale and sings a sad sad song accompanying himself on the world's smallest violin. He tells the camera that Ali would be really missing out [of years of ghastly songs at all family functions] if she let him go. Tell it to the whale, Kasey! Tell it to the whale.

The next day, Ali goes on her gang-date with seven guys who are all dressed in nearly identical outfits of jeans, sneakers, and zip-up cardigans. What would the Fashion Director say? How can they stand out if they are wearing a uniform? That will never sell magazines. The clue Ali gave them told them to be ready to play, so they head to Times Square, which is weirdly empty, so maybe they filmed this during one of the bomb scares. Ali's enormous head pops up on a billboard with the hint that they have to find her in the "concrete jungle."

Two seconds later (edited down from the 15 minutes of pointing and prodding of the producers) the guys realize that Ali is hanging out at the theater for The Lion King. They all clap themselves on the back while Ali explains that The Lion King is the hottest musical (15 years ago) and won six Tony Awards (15 years ago) and they are getting the VIP tour. She swears the guys are going to freak out when she tells them what's in store. Please don't make The Weatherman cry again! Also, what kind of guy freaks out in excitement over dated Broadway musicals? Ali goes to greet the guys and apologizes for being under the weather, but she has been making out with six guys at a time and there be some germs in them there smoochers. The guys all surreptitiously start gargling Purell before heading into the theater, where two actors are singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and everyone gets shmoopie about The Meaning. Ali admits that she is a BIG theater fan, so in order to decide who gets a date with Ali, all the guys have to audition for the musical. As Ali and the director sit in the audience and critique their performance, the men get a workout from the Assistant Choreographer. It is humiliating for everyone involved, but especially for me. Ali pretends she loves it, though. Just when you think the horror is over, the pianist walks on stage and all the men have to sing. Trust me, they should not all be singing in public.

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Bachelorette

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