Bachelorette

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Take New York

The Weatherman put out an Amber Alert, but the camera crew knows where he is. He was so hurt that Ali didn't believe his spiel, he is going to do something BIG to prove his love to her. How big? TATTOO big. No, no, not Herve Villechaize big, but an actual permanent heart tattoo. Idiot. Creepy stalker idiot. Since he promised Ali that he would protect and guard her heart, he gets an armored heart on his wrist. With a rose, naturally. It has to have a rose. He deserves a rose.

Meanwhile, Ali has spent all day in bed with Chris and after mainlining some DayQuil she has decided she is ready to roll. She gets dressed and takes Chris out for his birthday dinner at a club I have never heard of. They eat lobster despite the fact that Chris is from Cape Cod and probably could eat lobster every fracking day if he wasn't so sick of it. But he pretends well and then talks about his dead mom some more. As an extra-special birthday treat, Ali grants Chris a moment's access to the outside world. She lets him call his dad under her direct supervision. She forces him to make the call on speakerphone so he can't talk about her in derogatory terms and then insists on talking to his dad about how much she likes his son. Just what every dad yearns to hear. Happy birthday, Chris!

Kasey returns to the condo and explains away his bandaged wrist by announcing that he was burned and had to go to the hospital. All day! Hospital! All day! Stop asking questions! Everyone sort of gasps in horror that he was injured. Except for Justin. Justin calls bullshit. Only he doesn't do it in public, but just to the camera later.

Chris's date is getting better and better, and Ali gives him a rose for being generally awesome and bringing the chicken soup to her soul. They wander up to the roof, where Joshua Radin is playing. Apparently this guy is Ali's favorite, but I will confess to having never ever heard of him, not ever not once. And not in the "Oh I've never heard Justin Bieber" or "I only listen to bands on independent labels" sort of way. Speaking of which, how many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it. Also, speaking of which, I've never actually heard a Justin Bieber song, but I have heard OF Justin Bieber and anyone who tells you they haven't are either dead, Larry King or flat-out lying. But, really, is Joshua Radin somebody? Or is he like that bullshit artist Perez Hilton is always foisting on the public?

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Bachelorette

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