Episode 4

Episode Report Card
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F@#in' Phuket

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. I wonder if Ashley has gotten out of bed after last week's devastating loss of Bentley and his metrosexual coif? I mean, she was pretty torn up about the early departure of the guy she hadn't even gone on a one-on-one date with... and, oh yeah, had just met two weeks ago. But still! If it could work for Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke (and 12 other guys) in Before Sunrise it could surely work here. Ashley claims Bentley had stolen her heart with his knave-ish ways, off-camera insults, and primping. Despite the fact that she was warned against him by the always-trustworthy Michelle Money and was told that Bentley was coming on the show for the wrong reasons. Namely, he wasn't looking for love, he was looking for cheap publicity for his "trampoline arena." I don't know what that is either, but I read it in US Weekly, so I know it comes from a "trusted source" and/or "close family friend."

Anyway, Ashley has the self-esteem of a bulimic flightless bird and Bentley couldn't even pretend that he was interested anymore and he left. And... who was that masked man? (Wow, I have ALWAYS wanted to say that.) Anyway, he's gone too. So how will the producers create drama now that the two-faced trash-talking trampoline-arena promoting Bentley is gone and the Hamburglar is out of the picture? Let's see shall we?

Chris Harrison wakes the boys wearing nothing but a carafe of coffee, a basket of freshly-baked pastries, and a smile. Also the news that Ashley is really, really serious about finding a husband from within the dregs of humanity (yes, Ames, dregs can be Ivy League as well, in fact they frequently are) that beg to be cast on this show. She is so serious that even has a vision board with a wedding dress, a ring, some verses of Khalil Gibran, and a picture of Chris Harrison dressed as a giant bicuspid officiating the ceremony. However, after last week's painful departure by Jeff, Ashley feels like she needs a fresh start to the whole process. And the only place to do that is Lacuna, Inc. Phuket, Thailand. Only option! Because Lacuna was booked. Although, if I was her I might consider huffing Wite Out for awhile to see if that helped at all.

When Harrison announces that the men must pack their bags and head East to embarrass our beloved nation by taking this humiliating display of American excess on the road, the men all fist pump, high five, man hug, and, honest to god, chest bump. It's a very manly display. Chris tells them it is wheels up in two hours, and he will see them there. I actually admire the fact that Chris won't fly with these chuckleheads.

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