Bachelorette
Episode 5

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Cold!

So it seems we're going to Iceland for this episode. Home of Bjork, that volcano with the untypeable name, and, from what we'll see tonight, some ice. Not a little of which will be evident in some people's hearts. Okay, then, let's get to it.

The plane carrying the bohunks lands in Reykjavik, and there are little Icelandic language lessons on the back of the seats. For instance, the verb and noun forms of "love" are two different words in Icelandic, and if you get it wrong, you might end up trying to tell someone "I love you" and come out with "You ate me." Which may or may not be a mistake, if you know what I mean. They all marvel about traveling to Iceland in search of love, while Kasey keeps showing his creepy tattoo to everyone but Ali.

On to Reykjavik, where we catch up with Ali among the picturesque villages, geysers, glaciers, and volcanoes. Between all of these people, I'm rooting for the volcano, obviously.

Harrison welcomes the bohunks to a square in Reykjavik to explain the date situation. One new twist is that for this week's two-on-one date, only one person will be coming back. And as for the one-on-one date, they have to compete for it, by writing a love poem for Ali so she can decide. She gets to pick? That's so random! Why bring her into it at this late date? Harrison suggests they slide in an Icelandic word or two for extra credit. What rhymes with Reykjavik? Oh, never mind, I just thought of something, and it's not appropriate for broadcast television. He gives them an hour and they get to work. An hour? Might as well give them five minutes, given the quality of what's going to result from this.

Some of them collect some Icelandic phrases from the locals, but Justin's shot out of luck in that department. Either they all think his crutches are a frightening anachronism in this land of socialized medicine, or they can just sense the tool-stink coming off him. Either way, it's not like he can chase them down. When the hour's up, they get to spend another hour talking about how hard this was. And then there are some ads. During which I assume they keep talking about how hard this was.

After the break, Harrison gathers everyone back under the statue, and Ali comes running to savor their humiliation. She sits down to take it all in. Really, the best any of them can hope for is that she'll be too cold to pay much attention to what they're actually saying.

Craig goes for funny, and at least Ali laughs. When it's Kasey's turn, he has some enunciation troubles, but he seems to feel good about it. His gift for self-delusion clearly works on both sides of the Atlantic. It basically becomes a rhyming montage of fail, but the way Chris N. shits the bed stands out in particular. Kirk steps up, literally, getting up in Ali's space to go for the cute. Frank totally bites his move, but takes it further and sits down next to her for part of it. Finally it's over, and Ali says it's down to Kirk and Frank, because she likes having her bubble invaded, I guess, and she's picking Kirk for his first one-on-one date. Kasey's creepy about it, of course, and Frank admits to being jealous. But at least Frank is less creepy than Kasey.

Time for Ali and Kirk's date. He sneaks up behind her where she's waiting for him and scares the crap out of her. Nothing like kicking off a romantic date with soiled underwear. Ali talks about exploring Reykjavik together. So they go to a sweater store to try on allegedly funny clothes, then walk out wearing matching sweaters. That right there is more embarrassing than any of the stuff they didn't walk out with.

They go feed some swans and then go for coffee. Ali asks about his dating history, and he says he's never dated anyone for more than a year. He interviews about why he's reticent about telling Ali about his past. So he doesn't. Ali looks worried, and suspects he's holding back.

Back at the Bohunk Hilton, the guys learn who's going to be on the group date: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank, which means Kasey and Justin are going on the two-on-one date. You know, for maximum drama. Justin boasts that he plans to take Kasey out. It's not bragging if you can back it up, but then it's also not bragging if what you're bragging about is incredibly easy.

Kirk and Ali's date continues at a seafood restaurant, and she interviews how she's still worried. At dinner, he tells her about how he got sick five years ago. Apparently up until then, he was some hot-shit runner, then moved into some toxic house that turned him into a shambling revenant. Then, after seeing every doctor except House, he started looking into alternative medicine, and later found out that the house was full of asbestos and killer mold. Ali's looking like, "What does this have to do with me?" He says it doesn't define him, but he remembers the first night, telling him she was looking for someone who could help her be a better person. He keeps going on, probably well past the point where Ali is probably sorry she wanted him to talk more. Finally she kisses him. Just to shut him up? No, she interviews about how inspiring and positive he is. Yeah, she's really impressed. And she gives him a rose right there, so he's staying. More kissing. Do you really want to make out with someone that much after finding out he was almost killed by stuff he inhaled? Wouldn't you wonder if it was really all gone, or if you were breathing some of it right now?

Back at the Bohunk Hilton, Kasey's quietly having a meltdown. Frank goes in to talk to him, I'm sure at no prompting from the producers, and the topic comes around to Kasey's tattoo. "I'm not trying to stick around. I'm trying to be the man of her dreams." Yeah, maybe trying a leeetle too hard.

After the ads, Ali's out on a glacier, holding onto the reins of a small herd of ponies. And I mean, it's not just a small group; the ponies themselves are small. She looks less like a frozen cowgirl than a very short dog-walker. The guys show up, and Ty is pretty confident, what with all his equestrian experience that's apparently factory-installed when you live in the South.

The ride begins. "I'm all about going fast on anything," Ali says. That's (literally) what she said. Chris L. battles his pony like it's a wild mustang, and actually falls off. Ty helps him out, then they ditch the ponies and walk along until they just happen to come along a cave opening. Looks like its time to spelunk. "What's going to happen next, playing with snakes?" Chris L. asks us. Offscreen, the producers furiously take notes.

Back at the hotel, Justin talks about what he's going to do to send Kasey home, what with Kasey's little trick "up his sleeve." So he goes and gets his cast cut off. It's not as dramatic as it might seem, because he still has to wear a boot-brace. But on the way out, he sticks his crutches in an outdoor trash can. They don't fit, of course, because Icelandic trash cans are tiny as a result of Icelanders either recycling everything or putting it into their gas tanks or both. "One small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R," Justin smugterviews.

Ty is continuing to be the alpha male, supervising the harnesses on the humans as he did with the ponies. He gets kicked in the head in neither case. Chris L. gets lowered down the hole first, which he's all happy about so he can meet Ali down below and have those thirty seconds of alone time. He gives her his gloves, which she likes. It's like she's constantly surprised that these dudes are going out of their way to be nice to her. What are they supposed to do, stand around next to her lamely going, "So, do you like...stuff?" Okay, that'll happen later. For now, eventually everyone's down there, and a guide starts leading them through the frozen catacombs. It's cold and dark and crowded and underground and generally the worst date I can imagine. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Maybe if rabid wolverines were shooting at them. Ali interviews that its great to spend this time with all these guys, but hard at the same time. "One of them could be my husband!" Well, anything's possible. She remarks that Frank was pretty much a nonentity on this date, which she says is his loss. Yeah, stupid Frank, not scrabbling for every possible second against the rest of her entourage.

After dark and some night volcano footage, Ali takes the group to something called "Blue Lagoon," which is supposedly a magic healing lake. Indeed, look what it did for Christopher Atkins. Standing on the edge of the mist-shrouded waters, Ali says they should get in, and the music gets all porny as she strips out of her snowsuit to reveal that she's wearing nothing but a blue bikini underneath. Wow, that must have gotten chilly during the spelunking. She's the first one in the water, but not by much. They have a group champagne toast, and then Ali invites Ty for some one-on-one time away from the others. They snuggle in the water, and he's glad she noticed how helpful he was being with everyone. It would have been such a waste if he'd helped everyone and then not gotten anything out of it other than having helped people. Then it's Chris L.'s turn, and he actually gets some making out. Meanwhile, the other guys are getting increasingly jealous and nervous. Ali, meanwhile, is getting drunk. I mean, nobody comments on it, but the cold, the altitude, the exertions of the day, and however much champagne she's consumed are having an unmistakable effect on her speech. But cheer up, other guys; as one of my viewing partners pointed out, it's probably best to go last anyway when she's this tipsy.

Justin, Kirk, and Kasey sit around back at the hotel. Kasey questions Justin's motives, because only Kasey can tell who is there for the right reasons. He's worried Justin will tell Ali about the tattoo. Hey, Kasey, you know a good way to prevent that? Don't get the tattoo.. It's fucking foolproof.

Frank manages to get Ali off into this whole separate room, and Ali says she never sees him on the group dates and asks what's up with that. Frank gives a non-answer, and she says she wants to see him more. That makes him feel bad. Come on, Frank, that means you're leaving her wanting more! But he apologizes and giv

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