Season 7 Episode 5

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | Grade It Now!
Beau Thai

In Chiang Mai, Chris Harrison greets us in an all khaki ensemble to give us the day's product placed hotel, which I am not paid to write about so I will not. (Mandarin Oriental, call me!) The men take part in the obligatory ooh-and-ahh walk around the hotel, while we cut to Ashley wearing a shirt dress and heels as she walks through the hotel garden. She reminds us that last week she was "in a dark place" (read: her bed) after "everything that went down with Bentley" (almost offering him sex to stay on national television) but now she has "turned a page" (been reminded that she needs to get out of bed) and she is ready to "see the guys" (pick the least yicky of the bunch to be married off too old timey style). Meanwhile, Chris is explaining to the scrum of hair gel-wearing white guys that Ashley is looking for her husband (collective gulp) and that means a group date, a one-on-one date, and a three-way. Don't look alarmed, a little guy on guy action is okay in a three-way. Andy Samberg said so.

Harrison reminds them that a three-way means whoever doesn't get a rose is immediately off the show. Harrison leaves the men with the threat that he will see them again. The first date card arrives and Ben F. gets his number called. Ashley comes to greet him and the men all pretend they are super jealous that he gets to leave the hotel with Ashley, when really they are probably jealous merely of the fact that he gets to leave the hotel. I am a cynic (does it show?) and just don't believe that these guys are in love with her at all. Mostly because I find her completely annoying, but also because most of them have spent a sum total of two hours with her and I don't think love is possible in two hours of group chit chat. Anyway. Love is in the air.

Ashley and Ben F. head out in a little tuk tuk and go to a local market. Ashley immediately points and shrieks, "I love this stuff!" This stuff being the Thai way of life? Anyway, insert a giant rambling screed about "otherizing" and "otherization" and "The Other" and what a cultural dingbat Ashley is. Ashley and Ben F. hold hands and make schmoopy talk about how it feels like they are already boyfriend and girlfriend and they are tourists tromping through the market in their polo shirts and high heels. Then they hold hands and ogle the super neato Buddhist temple and try really really hard not to commit sacrilege by kissing in front of it. Instead they hold hands, semi-grope each other, kiss WITH THEIR MINDS, which is probably sacrilege in itself, and talk A LOT about how much they want to kiss, but won't because of the whole sacrilege thing. Please remind me never to travel the world with Ashley. What? It could happen. Anyway, they leave so they can grope each other away from the prying eyes of Buddha, who is apparently quite nosy.

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