Bachelorette
Season 7 Episode 5

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Beau Thai

Ames admits he has never been in a fight in his life, but is prepared to kick some ass for Ashley. Ames is the only guy who doesn't claim to some fighting prowess or to have some history of street brawling (shut up, Lucas, slap fights outside of Sunday School don't count). Ames claims Ashley is worth it, but I really doubt it. Ashley says the men are "hot" about twelve more times and then decides to make the men fight for her love. She puts them all in a cab and they head to a local boxing ring and the men are paired off and she makes them fight each other. The editors give us a few more interviews where Ames explains that he knows the fighting is going to be brutal, but he is game. For Ashley. I assume this is foreshadowing for Ames dying or something. The men all start to realize that shit just got real and Ashley is completely crazy. I mean, I'm no guy and I don't have balls or testosterone, but if somebody made me physically fight somebody to prove my love, I would throw down my rose, throw up my hands, and be DONE. I mean, come on.

The first guys to fight are Blake and Lucas, who I don't care about one way or the other. Blake wins by kneeing Lucas in the ribs while socking him in the face. That's when Ashley starts to think the date might be a little out of control. But still hot, obviously. Mickey and J.P. are next and Ashley covers her eyes and cringes on the sidelines while J.P. punishes Mickey with a brutal onslaught of punches. As J.P. says, "The Jew from Long Island kicked the Irishman's ass." Next into the ring are Ames and Ryan P. the solar energy almost hippie. Ryan does not hold back as he wails on Ames' Ivy League-educated head. Dude, that's an expensive noggin, go easy! No one cared that Ryan won the bout, because Ames was so badly beaten and they are all worried about him. T-minus five minutes until hospital visit?

The producers don't care, they throw Constantine and Nick into the ring to battle to death. Adding insult to injury, Ashley isn't even watching their fight as she is so concerned about Ames who is staring blankly into space while his over-educated head goes kablooey. Constantine lives my dream and kicks Nick's in the face as Ashley goes to fetch a doctor. Are the producers even watching? Why does it seem that Ashley is doing this all by herself? Did the producers really just chuck the men into the ring and then go out for noodles? Ashley runs off to find a medic and ends up tucking a dazed Ames into an ambulance. Ames is such a nice guy that he apologize TO HER for having such a delicate constitution and not being able to withstand 47 consecutive blows to the head. Candyass. Ashley claims she feels super bad as Ames is taken to get an MRI in Thailand. As he is wheeled through the hospital, we get an up-the-pants shot and we almost get to see some Ames' underwear, which is the most exciting thing to happen on this show so far.

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Bachelorette

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