Season 7 Episode 5

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | Grade It Now!
Beau Thai

As William sinks into his shame spiral (don't worry, maybe Bachelor Pad will come aknockin', they like to prey on the desperate), Ashley is letting her insecurities get the better of her. The boldly efficient move of sending two guys home has her contemplating life, the universe, incisor health, and, of course, whether or not the men are here for the "right reasons." Good god she's annoying. As Ashley not-at-all melodramatically watches William's useless rose burn burn burn in the fire, she voices her fears that this really trustworthy and time-tested process to find long lasting love will not work for her.

Back at the hotel, the men are cheering that two more contenders are down for the count. Not like Ames was, but more permanently. We also get a hint of the fact that Ryan P. might actually be really annoying to live with in close quarters as he enthusiastically fake drop kicks William's suitcase out the door.

Later, Ashley is feeling like something in the whole process is "off." So she goes to talk to the guys and remind them that last night was really hard for her and she knows it is only going to be more difficult. She instructs the men to be honest and true and open about their feelings for her. She pitifully adds that she knows they won't all fall in love with her, but... Instead of making gagging noises the men all coo quietly, because I guess being pathetically insecure is a highly-prized trait in a mate? I don't know. She makes me want to slap some sense into her, give her a shot of bourbon, remind her that she is a size- zero Ivy League-educated Jazzercise instructor with a perfect nose and good skin and then we can dance around the kitchen singing into our hairbrushes along to Sleater/Kinney's "Dig Me Out" or Liz Phair's "Fuck and Run" or something. Either that or buy her a backbone on eBay. So most of the men notice that something is wrong and rush to make her feel loved and comforted and assure her that they are there for the "right reasons" and are being "open" and "honest."

Ryan P. goes first and you can already tell that Ashley is losing interest in him. She stares off to the side as he expresses his love for her. She pats him on the hand and says it's all fine. Constantine tells her that he likes the fact that she's a "real girl" and not like those plastic ones he has stuffed into the closet in his frat house. I wish Ashley would date him just so she can convince him to get a freakin' haircut. Also not to wear light green shirts with purple ties unless it is Easter Sunday and you are a rabbit. After his brief time with Ashley, Constantine goes to talk to the other bachelors. He makes it real for the men reminding them that they have to bring this insanely bipolar perky depressive girl home to meet their parents. Are they all prepared for that?

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