Episode 6

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Istanbul, Not Constantinople

After the preview of last week's episode, I knew my colon couldn't take the tension of the Justin vs. Kasey Cage Match and I had to take a week off. M. Giant did an admirable job filling in and I truly hope he took his Valtrex and didn't get a dose of the gift that keeps on giving as they call it in the Navy. Having finally watched the episode whilst heavily sedated and with my ear pressed to my psychiatrist's on-call party line, I realized I was sad too miss an opportunity to mock Tennessee Ty and his fake 4H ways, I missed Chris Harrison's brave words to Ali hoping that she would open up her heart to love (tears were shed!) and get a happy ending (snerk), and I missed seeing the LEAST dramatic rose ceremony ever. I mean, how could Ali get rid of that one guy who never talked, never appeared in any footage, and whose name was merely ancillary to Chris L.? Shocking, I know. Almost as shocking as Ty pretending to know that Istanbul exists and that Turkey is more than something you chuck corn cobs at in the yard. I mean, Ty, if you are going to lie about THAT what else are you lying about? But yes, Ali and her clusterchump are headed to invade the beautiful, ancient, mysterious home of the most famous name change in history. And those of us of a certain age will have They Might Be Giants stuck in our heads for the duration.

Chris Harrison greets the men in front of their Istanbul digs for no apparent reason than to remind us that Turkey is indeed a country (with a publicity budget) and Istanbul is a beautiful city that is a prime tourist destination and no one will blow you up or chuck corn cobs at you and won't you pleeeeease come spend your American dollars (or better yet, Canadian ones) here? Inside the hotel, Ali is primping and explaining that she loves all seven of the remaining men and she feels Awesome! Better than ever! Ready to find a husband! I guess they finally found the right balance of mood stabilizers and uppers for this beaming Bachelorette since she keeps repeating how great she feels. With all this happiness and good cheer, it is all too obvious that Doom is hanging like poisoned mistletoe over Ali's perky blond head. Messenger of Doom (and walking cloud of Axe Body Spray) Chris Harrison knocks on the door. Uh oh, is he looking for a Happy Ending again? Or is her childhood dog dead? Either way Ali is not pleased that he's there.

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