Bachelorette
Episode 6

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Istanbul, Not Constantinople

Anyway, Ali hangs up with Jessica who is sobbing and turns to Chris Harrison for comfort. Ali asks if "the guys" know and have defended her honor in any way. Chris explains that he just found out and came straight to her with the news (*cough * bullshit *cough *). Ali reminds us all that her scrum of men all voted Justin Least Likely to Succeed on opening night and SHE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. Oh please, if the producers didn't know about this well in advance, they are surely peeing their pants in glee over this imbroglio. Ali, who only plays a shrinking violet princess when the script calls for it, straps on a set of cojones and with Chris Harrison by her side, marches on down to the Men's Room to call out the wrestler. She's pissed. She can't believe that Justin would betray her after all this time they've spent together.

Outside the room, Chris gives Ali some encouraging words. She gets in touch with her inner Feminist Hulk, knocks down the door, throws a table and pins Justin, who is easy to catch what with his one good leg. She tells him that his girlfriend called her this morning and told her his entire scheme. Justin nods his head, squeaks like a chicken, and... BOLTS. NO, FOR REAL. He grabs his wallet and his passport and RUNS, well, hobbles briskly. Everyone stares after him in shock. Ali demands he talk about it "like a man", but he runs anyway. He skips down six flights of stairs and winds up trapped in a courtyard. Ali and the cameraman corner him and Justin frantically pulls at locked doors and quickly realizes that like Kevin Costner or Jean Paul Sartre there is No Way Out. But Justin is no namby pamby philosopher or permanently middle-aged movie * cough* star *cough *, so he makes his own way out and hops through some shrubbery (shrubbery!), jumps on one leg up and through a fountain, climbs a fence, and runs. The non-cheating men all watch the exciting antics of a mouse in a maze from their luxurious and well-appointed suite, while Ali snorts at Justin's vagina and demands that he act like a man a few more times, but Justin is off and hopping. This may be the best thing I have ever seen on television.

In the shadow of Hagia Sofia, Ali and her new confidante Chris Harrison weep and wail and rend their clothes and don their sackcloth and ashes over lost love, when Justin suddenly makes his contrite return. (I'm guessing an ABC lawyer was dispatched from the Istanbul office and tracked Justin down on the winding ancient streets and reminded him of his contractual obligations to the show. No one messes with the Istanbul office. Trust me.) Ali takes a deep breath and girds her loins for whatever bullshit excuse Justin is going to dole out. Justin explains that Jessica is really more of a best friend type of girlfriend instead of a true love girlfriend. Ali points out that she sent Kasey home instead of him! She could still have Kasey getting her name tattooed on his neck and writing not even Hallmark worthy poetry whenever the mood strikes, crafting his words on the backs of cocktail napkins or toilet paper. SHE COULD HAVE KASEY! Ali realizes how lame that particular line of reasoning sounds, shudders at the thought of having Kasey back, so she reminds Justin that each week someone else got kicked off the show. Guys she could have married! Like Fake Dean and his romance novel hair and Tori Spelling obsession and mean streak. He could have been hers!

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Bachelorette

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