Episode 6

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Istanbul, Not Constantinople

As Frank pulls out his hair in anxiety over his girlfriend dating six other guys, Craig and Ali take the water taxi from Asia to Europe. I just saw an ad for this in Bon Appetit magazine and I am not even lying for once. Turkey has a mean publicity machine. Craig swears that he and Ali are just really into each other. If you keep saying it, buddy, someone will definitely believe you. Meanwhile, Frank gets his date card, pops a Xanax, chews off his fingernails, and tries to convince the other bohunks that Ali will choose him. Over in Europe (or Asia, not sure which direction they were heading) Craig awkwardly tries to drape his arm over Ali's shoulder as they watch some fireworks over the Bosphorus. Then Craig swears he would make an awesome husband, which he clearly recites into the mirror as part of his daily affirmations. Ali cheerfully says something romantic that amounts to Craig looks really good on paper.

Before her date with Frank, Ali explains that she really liked Frank at first, then he faded, now it's do or die a painful death of loneliness and ennui in his parents' wood paneled basement. Frank bursts onto the scene exuding FUN. They hit the spice market and I eat my foot in jealousy because the place looks AWESOME and Turkey's publicity department didn't even pay me to say that. Ali giggles a lot and tries on a belly dancer costume for her bohunk boner check. Frank complies. Ali gushes about her wonderful date with Frank, but the second they leave the bazaar, she gets her Serious Face on. She needs to talk. No really, this is sewious. She and Frank head to an ancient cistern, which is so beautiful I want to die, for their Big Conversation. They dine in the middle of a pool of water and then Frank ruins the mood by spilling his anxieties all over the carpet. Awkward! Frank explains that he is still single at the ripe old age of 30 because he is cautious. Also, old verging on decrepit. Also also, STILL SINGLE AT 30! Eternal bachelor much? Ali and Frank decide to try really hard to open their hearts and trust their hearts and every other pop song cliché that Rick Rubin would turn into a hit and gush about each other and then make out in the public drinking water.

The next night, the men gather for their cocktail party and Frank and Ty wear their roses with pride and boasting and a few other deadly sins that I can't remember right now. Craig reminds us that he might be on the chopping block tonight. And so might Kirk, Roberto, and Chris. Ali beckons Chris Harrison for a pre-cocktail party chat. She tells him that she doesn't need a cocktail party, because she has already made up her mind about who is husband material and who is not. Harrison agrees to her terms: No cocktail party, straight to the rose ceremony, no prolonging the inevitable. Harrison --who is actually earning his airfare this episode -- wanders off to make his announcement to the gathered menfolk. The men don't approve of this plan. They want to beg for clemency and talk about their dead moms, mold problems, and skills with horses whilst drinking cocktails. So they all whine and moan and eventually wander upstairs while a producer hits 'play' on the Dramatic Music CD.

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