Episode 6

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now!
Istanbul, Not Constantinople

In the Rose Room, Harrison reminds the guys of the rules: Ty and Frank are safe. Three of the remaining four will move on. Ali thanks everyone for their understanding and hands her first rose to Roberto, because WHO COULD GIVE AWAY THOSE DIMPLES? No one! The second rose goes to Chris, the Massachusetts landscaper of her dreams. Harrison wanders on camera to remind us that it is the final rose for the night. After an appropriately dramatic pause, Ali hands the final rose to Kirk. This is not a surprise. Craig is a schlubby lawyer who has based his entire personality on BEING A LAWYER. He looks a tad sad as he says his goodbyes to the fellas. Ali insists on walking Craig out. He drafts a quick restraining order against Ali and hands it to her as he says farewell. In accordance with the terms of their separation as drafted by Craig, Ali dutifully states for the transcript that Craig has a lot of excellent qualities, but they simply lacked chemistry. She concludes: Craig R. would make a fine and upstanding husband. Also, if you ever need a lawyer in the greater Philadelphia area, please call Craig R. Don't worry Craig, you'll always have olive oil wrestling to impress the ladies.

As Craig R. sniffles in the car back to the airport, Ali toasts the remaining five men and tells them that their final destination will be Lisbon, Portugal. I really wish Ali had booted Tennessee Ty for his hamfisted knuckleheaded patriarchal bullshit and I kind of wish Ali had punched Justin in the nards, but all in all, this episode was truly EPIC.

Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is really glad she started picking on Tennessee Ty way back when because he truly deserves it. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.

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