Then Jake and Vienna argue about who broke up with whom, and Vienna swears she has WITNESSES because she is on trial, America, and she knew he would want to take credit for dumping her when she deserves all the credit for dumping him. WITNESSES! Jake tries to get a word in edgewise, Vienna cuts him off again, he foolishly calls her baby, she tells him not to, and then starts crying that it's impossible to get sick of someone in just six months. Oh honey, I've only known you six weeks and I promise that I am sick of you. Like herpes sick, leprosy sick, ebola sick. Jake takes a moment and asks the men of America if they would kiss a girl who undermined them, emasculated, interrupted them constantly and forced them to use GPS when they don't need it. Jake then spells out his definition of "undermining" and, well, suffice to say Jake is overbearing and kind of a jerk and finds EVERYTHING undermining. Don't want lobster for dinner? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Want to move the dresser in your bedroom? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Singing a song in the shower? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. But Vienna is certainly no catch. So: perfecto! Right? Sadly, no. Harrison is just horrified that his perfect evening is being ruined by sitting with these two yelly bobbleheads.
Harrison asks Vienna if there is anything she would like to apologize to Jake for. She stares at Chris Harrison for a while trying to figure out if he is serious, then she turns to stare at Jake for about ten minutes, and then she fake apologizes for going about things the way she did, BUT she knows the real Jake, and she knows that he would have done it if he could. Jake snorts that she doesn't know him at all, she interrupts him, he snaps, "DON'T INTERRUPT!" and he does not use his nice voice and Vienna bursts into tears, stands up to storm out, stops to tell Jake he is the meanest person she has ever met, and THEN storms out crying. God, I hate both of these people A LOT. I mean, Jake is clearly a domineering ass with control issues and Vienna has serious interrupting issues, which could drive a person to snap. I don't know whether Vienna's yelling and crying is preferable to Jake's smug superiority. I just know they are both EXTREMELY annoying people. As Vienna weeps in the bathroom, Jake shrugs that this is what their fights are like. Then he settles himself next to Harrison while Vienna sobs some more in the can. Jake swears he has never been in a relationship where he has had to raise his voice, but sometimes you just can't get a word in and you get mad. Wow, Jake: You're a dick. Wipe the smug smile off your face and GET OFF MY TELEVISION. That said, I would probably want to hit Vienna if I was forced to fake a relationship with her for months. But, I would never be in this situation. But, that's enough of that. Chris thanks everyone for showing up and then reminds us that Ali is still on her path to love and her love will be lasting and real and beautiful and holy and will never involve the tabloids until they get married and have babies and want to put those babies through college with the money.