Ah, The Bachelorette, the show that never sleeps, never takes a holiday, not even when it is the day after the Fourth of July and even the Real Housewives of New Jersey have the good sense to sleep in and let their beloved recapper go see her old roommate's band open for Unrest. But the stupid Bachelorette is soldiering on, airing a brand new episode despite the fact that it is a National Holiday of Hangoverness and no one can take the drama. Know what else the hungover cannot abide? A Faith No More concert TWO BLOCKS from said hungover person's apartment. Not to name names of the hungover, who do not deserve to be scorned because they are pathetic lightweights who have a second glass of wine because they think they can handle it and end up with headaches the size of Tennessee Ty's ears. They are not to be mocked! But they are rather taken aback at how much Faith No More fans seem to want to wooo!!!! Apparently, all Faith No More fans are Woo-Girls, which is simultaneously funny, pathetic and loud. Now shut up, Faith No More! Ali has to find love OR ELSE. Or else she will really regret giving up that two-bedroom apartment in the Mission District with morning light and 14-foot ceilings and hardwood floors. Also, her job. Also, I am out of Diet Coke. Also, shut up, Faith No More!
Ali has flown her clusterchump of five remaining suitors plus Ty's ears all the way to Lisbon. She sent them via freight because, until she has chosen her mate, they are merely chattel. Just stepping stones on her path to love. Chris Harrison -- who YOU KNOW was the one to suggest this globetrotting season to the producers -- pops in to greet the men and remind them that even though Ali is dating five men simultaneously, she is still America's (or at least ABC's) Sweetheart. That said, no knocking up the merchandise or even going past second, because this is primetime and the FCC is watching. So hands on the table, fellas. Second, there are five men and four dates and no roses. Whoever survives this round of humiliation and scorning will get to introduce Ali to their families. Lucky lads, eh? Nay, lucky families. Anyway, that's it for Harrison -- he has a hot stone massage and a manicure to get to and then some porto samplings with a local escort.
The men head to their hotel and find that SOMEONE WAS IN THEIR ROOM. Oh, they were just leaving a date card. Ooh, tell me more, tell me more: Who and what are the date? Roberto gets a date! At a castle! The requisite shot of Frank looking injured and paranoid quickly follows the shot of Roberto's smile. By the way, they always list Frank's job as "retail manager" not "aspiring screenwriter", which just seems, well, rude and crippling. Like, way to support a dream, ABC! You know Frank manages a Starbucks, right? Or maybe a Barnes & Noble, although that seems like too much responsibility for an overly emotional playwright. Anyway, Ali comes in with a short skirt and a smile and says hello in Portuguese and everyone jumps up to say hello except Frank who gawks at the micro mini-skirt she is wearing on her date with Roberto, calls her a whore, punches himself in the head, apologizes and gives her a hug. Obviously, Ali and Roberto flee in a horse-drawn carriage, because, yeah, that's efficient. It's why so many bank robbers station horse-and-carriages outside the heist. Also, romance. Ali is so happy to start out her week with Roberto, but Ali has a big but: She needs him to show his fun side. Because tight rope walking and group dating and olive oil wrestling doesn't show his fun side? What side does it show? Other than his oily side, obviously?