Bachelorette

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Party of Five plus Jake and Vienna

They head out and immediately start having FUN. They stage a photo shoot in the streets of Lisbon, which I thought HAD to be product placement but they never showed the camera's brand. Someone from Canon needs to get on that shit, pronto. They have FUN. Then they go and have some MORE FUN by mocking some Portuguese guard who I guess is like the Beefeaters in London and can't move while on duty and are hence subjected to a torrent of sorority girls flashing Vs and children getting jammy handprints on their big furry hats and drunk men whizzing in their general vicinity ALL FOR THE QUEEN. Because Her Royal Majesty wants guards who don't give a shit if someone is yakking their lunch, flashing their boobs, and making the peace sign simultaneously, they must only care if the Queen trips on a Corgi or some other national emergency. Then Ali and Roberto pose next to statues and make funny faces around churches and make out in a street and Roberto declares his undying love and admiration and they kiss with tongue some more and the jaded Lisbonites don't care and it is all just SO MUCH FUN.

Not so much fun? The hotel room. Frank is reminding everyone that Ali is going to meet four families. He is about to start pulling on his hair and scratching, but a knock on the door interrupts and allows the producers to shoot him full of Haldol. The knock (frankly, I think the knock needs to get it's own supporting credit since it does just as much work as Chris Harrison) means another date card. Two guys are going on one date -- no not a Man Date, but a two-on-one date with Ali, which just sounds really dirty. Frank and Ty are the unlucky attendees, and Frank is, obviously, miserable. You see, this week he has decided that Ty is his fiercest competition. Ty and Ali have a "real" bond despite the fact that Ty is a hillbilly chucklehead who doesn't think women should work (yeah, yeah, come-to-Jesus moment about how women can be CEOs and without demeaning their ovaries MY ASS). Frank starts getting all wild-eyed and frantic-looking as he tells Chris L. ...er, Chris, that the two-on-one date is THE WORST POSSIBLE DATE and yeah, especially when it's two sane people on one crazy one. Luckily, Frank passes out as the drugs finally kick in.

Back on the one-on-one date, Roberto and Ali have found themselves a castle to canoodle in (excuse me, I have to go kill myself now for using the word "canoodle") and the sun is setting and they drink wine and feed each other. Ali plops some tomatoes on a slice of bread and presents it as the only thing that she will ever cook. Uh oh, I bet Ty expects his womenfolk to cook. Ali asks Roberto what his mom cooks and he shrugs and says, "Spanish stuff. I don't know the name." Hmm, looks like a lot of take out in the future Ali-Roberto household. Ali and Roberto then say a bunch of schmoopy stuff about how lucky they are to meet such smart, beautiful people like each other. Ali thinks he really could be the one for her. But I think whenever you are drinking wine and making out with a gorgeous guy in a medieval castle at sunset you are probably thinking: I could fall in love with this man. Because DUH. It's only when you get home and they expect you to, say, cook and quit your job and read the Bible and make your own clothes that the real issues kick in.

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Bachelorette

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