Harrison makes his sad face and says that today's news is not happy news: Bachelor Jake and horse-faced fake fiancée Vienna have broken up. I love ABC's optimism that no one has read a magazine, skimmed a blog, or watched Extra! Okay, no one watches Extra!, but still, this story broke weeks ago, and ABC, who actually OWNS this story, took their own sweet time getting the show on the air, but is still pretending this is breaking news. It's practically adorable! Harrison explains that he is going to talk to both Jake and Vienna, but as they really own Jake -- their Bachelor -- he wants Jake's side of the story first. Jake comes out and Chris makes sorrowful noises in Jake's general direction. Chris claims that he just had dinner with Jake and Vienna just a few weeks ago and everything seemed fine. *Cough bullshit cough.* Jake calls Chris "man" and says he is still processing, man. He doesn't know what happened. Everything was great and then he went out of town for a few days and everything blew up. He admits that the relationship was going downhill, but he wasn't ready to quit fighting. Harrison nods consolingly and tells Jake to brace himself because Vienna is coming out and she's scrappy. (Also, flexible.)
Vienna comes out and hugs Chris Harrison, and Jake gets up to let her sit next to Chris, because that's where the ladies sit? I don't know talk show etiquette. Chris starts off the conversation with an apology that they had to meet each other like this. He asks Vienna what the heck happened. Vienna claims it was all good for the first month that she and Jake dated, and then it all went downhill. She seems to accuse Jake of never consummating the relationship, but scolding your boyfriend for wanting to wait until marriage will not win you any fans on ABC. Jake just didn't want to bone her until it became clear whether or not she was cross-eyed. He also didn't want to necessarily, you know, talk, because she is annoying, but would pretend that all was good when the cameras were rolling. Harrison cuts to the chase: She claimed Jake abused her. Did he? Vienna backtracks all the way back to her backwater Florida home and smilingly claims that Jake yells when he's mad and is cold, too. She dances around the whole "He's a violent gay con man!" story she gave Star magazine and instead claims she had to beg for kisses and sobs, "Who wouldn't want to kiss my equine lips?"