Bachelorette

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Party of Five plus Jake and Vienna

Vienna tears up for some reason, because America hated her then, too, and then she claims that they broke up twice and she gave The Ring back twice. Jake claims that she was just having temper tantrums, and that has a ring of truth to it. (Pun not really intended, but whatever, you know?) It's just far too easy to picture Vienna, in a tizzy, throwing the ring and locking herself in the bathroom to cry. Harrison asks whether Dancing with the Stars was a bad thing, and she claims she was supportive, but then he, like, had to touch this girl all the time, and she couldn't get a job because they didn't know whether he would still be dancing with the stars the next week, and she just wanted to go home to Florida. Oh, by the way, she now has a job. And although she hates Los Angeles, the job is in Los Angeles, because her small town turned their back on her and she needs to have people turn their back on her in L.A. for a while. Jake laughs loudly as Harrison continues calmly asking Vienna why she is staying in Los Angeles when she claims to hate it. She pretends it is all about the job and then slips and seems to say that she went on an interview and may not actually have a job and it's all confusing and shut up, Vienna.

Then Jake and Vienna argue about who broke up with whom, and Vienna swears she has WITNESSES because she is on trial, America, and she knew he would want to take credit for dumping her when she deserves all the credit for dumping him. WITNESSES! Jake tries to get a word in edgewise, Vienna cuts him off again, he foolishly calls her baby, she tells him not to, and then starts crying that it's impossible to get sick of someone in just six months. Oh honey, I've only known you six weeks and I promise that I am sick of you. Like herpes sick, leprosy sick, ebola sick. Jake takes a moment and asks the men of America if they would kiss a girl who undermined them, emasculated, interrupted them constantly and forced them to use GPS when they don't need it. Jake then spells out his definition of "undermining" and, well, suffice to say Jake is overbearing and kind of a jerk and finds EVERYTHING undermining. Don't want lobster for dinner? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Want to move the dresser in your bedroom? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Singing a song in the shower? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. But Vienna is certainly no catch. So: perfecto! Right? Sadly, no. Harrison is just horrified that his perfect evening is being ruined by sitting with these two yelly bobbleheads.

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Bachelorette

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